Distractions

After my big FB post, and lots of great encouragement, I went to bed last night feeling good.

But then I woke up this morning with a small panic attack...remembering what I did.

Like all those not so great feelings, that I got right after I posted yesterday, came rushing back.

Regret was even creeping in my mind at that point.

But, then I said a prayer and brushed it off my mind, trying only to focus on the good that came from it because really, aside from potentially "outing us" there has only been positive.

However, I still needed distractions, so here's a few things that helped me along the way today/tonight:

-working out extra hard on our elliptical while being distracted by grey's anatomy (yes, I still watch that show!!).

-realizing that I would love to have some killer abs and am thinking about ordering this:

Just kidding!! Well...maybe. ;)

-Shopping at old navy! I hit the jack pot, with an extra 40% off redline clearance items. Here's the tags of some of my loot and one of the sweaters I got:






Oh how I love a good deal!!

-Do I really need to explain this picture?



-And lastly, we heard some really good news regarding a position my dh interviewed for...I'll update once it's more than unofficially official. Just know I am beyond proud of him!!

So, all in all my distractions worked and as this day is closing to an end, I am 100% confident in my FB post!

"Whether you think you can or think you can't - you are right." [Henry Ford]

I did it.

My FB status today:

With much encouragement from my dh and all y'all-I did it!!

I actually went to write a status and was going to ask my dh whether he thought it sounded ok but then, I said a quick hail Mary and pressed submit.

Then my palms got sweaty.
And my hands started shaking.
And there was a lump in my throat.
And butterflies in my stomach.
And I felt like I had just taken at least 5 espresso shots.

It's absolutely unbelievable how difficult it was for me to simply post on my FB, but I wanted to bring awareness.

Even if that meant "outing" us.

It's sad that there are so many of us, terrified of sharing such a big part of our lives.

Yes, it is intimate and a very private, painful cross.

But, as most of us know...the talking and the "venting" (hello blogging!!!) is what has shown us that we are not alone.

Not going to lie, it still feels very weird to think about me posting, but I'm glad because I've gotten nothing but words of encouragement.

My big brother (just one example of many encouraging messages!!) even called me when he saw that and said, "I read that and couldn't help but think about how much courage you had to have to write that!" And, even though he has no clue the pain that's associated with IF (thankfully) it meant so much that he recognized the courage needed to speak out.

Phew...so, yes ladies, I did it.
And I lived to tell about it! ;)

“If we're growing, we're always going to be out of our comfort zone.” [John Maxwell]

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Advice needed for National Infertility Awareness Week

Tonight, as I informed my husband that it was National Infertility Awareness Week, he old me to "just post something on FB about it, to make others more aware."

My heart of course skipped a beat because I said, "umm...doesn't that officially 'out' us to everyone in the FB world?!"

But then I thought more and well, I think I would be okay with posting something because people need to be more aware of IF...and that's what this week is for after all, right?

So, even though there are many that know we are struggling, many more have.no.clue.

I don't feel comfortable writing a personal tidbit about it, more just a "hey guys, be aware!!!" and so I think I want to.

And if someone asks questions or realizes there's another person going through what they are...well then, thats even better.

So are there any articles that y'all have seen on FB or anywhere really, that would be a good thing to post?

Let me know and I'll let y'all know if I actually go through with it...

"Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak; courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen." [Winston Churchill]
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YAAAAAY!!!! :):):)

Celebrating the little things...like this letter letting us know that the ball is definitely rolling now!

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The baby [in the belly] whisperer

Today I babysat for the family I've been nannying for.

Except normally, I'm only watching the 4 month old because the 2.5 year old is in daycare.

Anyways, the sweet little blonde hair, blue eyed, very articulate little one asks to sit in my lap.

She's precious so of course I agree.

As she's laying there rubbing her eyes, getting ready for nap time, she looks up at me and goes, "you have a babeee in your tumeee!!"

Literally I start to think: well I would love to have a baby in my tummy but unfortunately with pcos i don't ovulate and I haven't noticed any ovulation signs this month anyway so she must be talking about my belly but that's odd because I've lost weight and my stomach is actually less fluffy so what does that mean oh my goodness maybe she knows something I don't know oh my goodness God is this a sign??!!!

Real rational of me, I know.
So I proceed to tell this baby [in the tummy] predictor/whisperer of a two year old that, "oh, I wish!!" and then I hug her and tell her it's almost time for nap.

Then she looks straight at my girls, lifts her previous hand and pushes the left one and says, "Babee in your tumee!! Let me seeee!!" which then follows with her attempting to reach down my shirt.

Finally I get it, her sweet mom is teeny tiny and has no chest at.all except for when she had the littlest one, just a few short months ago.

Ergo, big boob.ies=baby in the tummy.

I laughed and then rolled my eyes at the silliness I call my thoughts and irrational IF thought process.

Yeah, this is my life.
I'm pretty sure I'm crazy.


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Craftastic

I've been crafting a lot more lately and it's been so good for me. I wouldn't say I've been anymore anxious lately but I guess I've been stumped at this whole explosion of pregnancy announcements and births.

There seriously is something in the air or water and for some crazy reason...it's being kept from only certain people!

It's crrrraaaazy!!

So to keep calm...i craft on! ;)

Here's a little craft I did to hang in the bathroom-I got the quote from (wait for it, wait for it) pinterest:

I also used some left over stickers with paint samples and made little reminders to go on the fridge...just a little pick me up:



Also, I have this sweet friend that just engaged and since I knew we were meeting for dinner tonight, I decided to make her a little engagement gift:



I put it in a pretty box from the dollar section and ta-da, a quick and easy engagement gift for under $3:



Have any of y'all been up to crafting lately? Any fun projects?

And just because I had to show y'all just how ridiculous I am, the other night my dh and I were lounging and when I passes by the mirror, I laughed:



Apparently, I really wanted to match my phone!! Eek!! That was a lot of color!!! Good thing I wasn't out in public, I'm sure I would have embarrassed myself!!

"A day without laughter is a day wasted. [Charlie Chaplin]

Wowzer.

It appears that there are quite a bit of pregnancy announcements floating around FB lately.

Like a crazy amount.
Multiple ones a day.
What's in the water and where can I get some?

So far I've been strong enough and I really hope I can hold it together...if not though, I may just have to take a little break.

And apparently I may need to take a break from my people app also:

Anyone else notice the crazy amounts of announcements lately or is it just me?

[Can'twaittohearmoreaboutthisadoptionandstartworkingwithdoctorHilgers.]


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Falling is scary part 2

Here's part one incase you've never read it.

I was on a sort of women's retreat last night and oddly enough one of our talks was going to be held in a tree.

I was instantly okay with climbing into this big, old, wobbly tree with about 10 other women I've never met before.

I think to myself, "Go me for being up to something that is weird and makes me a little uncomfortable."

Our small group leader stood at the bottom of the massive tree, leading discussions and also keeping tabs on us incase a branch looked like it would give way.

Thankfully, she could see every branch from where she stood because a few moments after getting adjusted in the tree, we all heard a slow, snapping sound.

She yelled up, "you at the right, move over to that large branch!"

Which is exactly what the girl did...just moments before the old branch snapped.

It was odd to me that we were SO high up on this rickety, old tree, with the weather getting sorta dark and dreary and on top of all of it, the wind blowing like crazy!

But, I trusted that it would be fine because we had our group leader calling out when something looked like it might break or become dangerous.

Throughout the discussion, which I have no recollection of, my anxiety and fear grew stronger and deeper.

My chest began to feel like something heavy was pressing on it and there was a constant lump in my throat.

I began to question why we were doing this.

I thought to myself,"why am I up in this tree, it's dangerous and something bad could happen!!"

Just then I heard a loud SNAP!

And this time it wasn't from another branch away from me nor was our group leader yelling for someone to move.

No, she was busily going on about the discussion and I was on my own.

Panic and fear set in as I realized that I was a few stories high in the rickety tree and that there was not a single steady branch within reach.

Finally I hear an even bigger snap.

My breath is taken away and tears fill my eyes and I, in slow motion, begin to fall...

...through sharp branches, snapping all around me and wind blowing through my hair.

A cold shiver runs down my spine as I beg God to save me, to help me.

I begin to fear that I'm all alone and that He can't save me because I'm already falling, closer and closer to the ground.

Fear.
Panic.
Sadness.
Anxiety.

I beg God to help me.
Please God, I need you.

I begin to pray, "Lord I trust that you brought me here and you will protect me. I have faith."

Just then, a sense of peace entered over me, and my fall began to slow down and all the broken branches and twigs around me started to disperse.

And whereas I just knew I was going to be crushed on the ground, moments earlier, I knew now that I was going to be okay.

I land ever so softly and gracefully, although with tears still filling my eyes.

Girls come rushing down from the tree and our group leader asks if I'm okay.

All I can muster out is, "Yes. I had faith He would take care of me."

And that was my dream last night.

A dream that felt so real and lifelike.

A dream that, although it was just a dream, had me waking up feeling as though it had really just happened.

It's so crazy because, compared to my last falling dream (over a year and a half ago, thank goodness I don't have then that often, they feel so real) this time, the scare of the fall didn't wake me.

I know the bottom line with this dream is that I have to continue to have faith.

"If He brings me to it, He will bring me through it."

Dear God,
I offer up all my fertility to you. I offer up our upcoming visits to Omaha and our work with Doctor Hilgers. I offer up this adoption to you. I trust You. I have faith in You.

St. Gerard, St. Therese, St. Gianna, Blessed John Paul, St. Anthony, pray for us.

Who we've told

Hearing about this potential adoption is obviously very big news for us and I wanted to shout it out loud, asking for prayers, but instead I knew that wouldn't be the smartest move...

So, we've told my Gm, two brothers and SILs and of course his parents know because my MIL is the one who told us!

Oh yeah, and I told the world wide web.

But other than that, that's about it.

We definitely appreciate and need all the prayers we can get, but since it's still so new and there's still so much we don't know, well...I like the idea that if it doesn't work out then there's no back peddling around to tell people it didn't work out.

That would be emotionally draining!

And yes, my emotions are already invested.

There is no way I cannot not be emotionally invested.

I mean, I get emotional about the little things and well, this is sorta big...

Big in that your life is forever changed and the dream and desire and yearning you've been searching and praying for for all these years could potentially happen in a few short months.

So yes, maybe it's dumb for me to get so emotionally invested and yes, I may just get my heart broken again, BUT I'm a woman of faith and a firm believer that "God doesn't give more than we can handle."

I will say though, this time around (what the heck, how can I say this time around again in only a few short months) I'm not abusing my google search engine!!

Last time I searched anything and everything about adoption.

This time I haven't done it once.

I think that may be the one thing I'm doing to "protect" my heart, in a sense.

Oh geez, I don't even know where I'm going with all this...it's obviously on my mind.

All day.
And night.
All.the.time.

I'm praying for calmed nerves and a complete submission of this to our Lord.

(photo courtesy of pinterest)

Prayers

My mind cannot stop thinking about that phone call from yesterday.

My mind is racing with the thought that, "I could be a mom and I didn't even know it."

To say I woke up this morning full of joyful anticipation is an understatement.

I do not know what will happen but what I do know is that I trust God and all that he puts in our lives.

Thank y'all for the sweet comments and prayers yesterday...I promise I'll keep everyone updated!

And because I know just how powerful yall's prayers are, I'm asking for them again...this time for my sexy, police officer husband! ;)

He has a big interview tonight (9:30 cst) and is a bit nervous. I know he's going to be amazing!! It's a position with a specialty unit (gang) and since he's ready for something aside from just patrol, this would be wonderful for him.

Now, I could be completely selfish and ask that y'all pray that he doesn't do well because...him being around/working with gangs/members isn't the most comforting feeling ever. However, I know just how badly he wants this and how much he deserves this and well, his happiness will always trump my nerves!!

Thanks in advance!!!

“For me prayer is an upward leap of the heart, an untroubled glance toward heaven, a cry of gratitude and love which I utter from the depths of sorrow as well as from the heights of joy.” (Saint Thérèse of Lisieux)



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Potential adoption.

We've been here before.

That moment ended in heart ache.

I still think about that precious baby and know that they are in heaven, living joyfully and without pain or suffering.

But it doesn't mean that my heart doesn't ache thinking about how our lives could have been forever changed had she chosen to adopt out the precious one she was carrying.

Although, it wasn't that long ago that this all occurred, it seems like moons and moons ago, and yet, here we are again, only a few short months later...

My MIL called me this morning and said that she wanted us to start asking St. Anthony (she recently gave us a statue and said she wanted us to start asking him for prayers) to intercede for us about a potential adoption.

My heart started racing and goosebumps ran up and down my body.

I was shaking as I heard her describe the situation:
-The young girl, S, has just turned 14 and also just informed her mother and step grandmother (the one who contacted my MIL) that she is 5 months along.
-She is not abortion minded at all-but please pray that she continues to think like this.
-Every family member is encouraging adoption, where as her friends are telling her it would be fun to be a mom (oh, you shows that glamorize teen pregnancy!!).
-The boyfriend is young also, and sometimes in the picture, sometimes not.
-They will all meet with my MIL soon to discuss options.

I'm seriously at a loss for words. I'm obviously very excited and hopeful and grateful that God has lead this family to our family.

I am most thankful that she is not abortion minded.

I have no idea how this will turn out, but I trust that God's hands are at are work in all the details and I know that however it turns out, I trust Him.

...

A moment.

That's all it takes for someone's life to be forever changed.

That phone call this morning has the potential to forever change our lives.

I trust you Lord.

Please pray for my husband and I as we pray for S, her baby and family.

May God's will be done.


(Picture courtesy of Pinterest)

How I handled things...

The party was fun.

Of course spending time with my family was wonderful and especially seeing that sweet nephew of ours didn't hurt.

The baby talk wasn't bad at all.

Yes, there were lots of little ones and lots of "oh mine does that too" and some "how old is yours?"

But all in all I was [emotionally] able to handle it.

Even the new baby to be talk was at a minimum, surprisingly.

Thank the Lord.

For some reason my emotions aren't bad at all but I've been cramping a little worst than normal. I guess, if I had to choose, I would choose the cramping over the overly emotional mess I normally am.

Sure, the part where all the cute moms were on the floor with their babies, talking about mommy hood and me sitting back, smiling and laughing and attempting to be included in the conversation, wasn't the most fun of all.

But I did it.

And I smiled.

And I counted my blessings and offered up any uncomfortable moment for all those that are struggling.

"Life isn't about surviving the storm but learning to dance in the rain."