I still got it....

Today I went to the gym.
The same gym we have been paying for for way too long and yet...not really using.

When we first signed up I was going 3xs a week and then life got in the way..

But, after not using this "product" that we were dishing out money for, I decided enough is enough with 1)feeling down about my weight and 2)paying for something we weren't using.

Today was technically day 2 after many weeks of being away...and well, it took all of 10 seconds for a super buff, workout guy to approach me while I walked the treadmill.

He noticed my shirt (Go Aggies) and asked if I went to school there (been there done that, class of '06 whoop) and then he talked about  him growing up in College Station. He then asked what I  got my degree in (English, certified to teach) and told me how awesome that was and rambled on about the importance of English degrees and teachers and this and that.  He asked the stereotypical, "you come here often" (not so much, can you not tell by the sweat building up from my simply walking this treadmill?!) and  other random things.

But then...when he asked what I do now and I said, "stay home with my 10 month old..." He looked at me sorta awkwardly and said, "oh, cool....so nice talking with you."  And then left.

Hmmm...guess he wasn't looking for a stay at home mom/homemaker.

Oh...and the kicker?

He was at least 70-80 years old!!!!

Super buff? Yes!
Talked like a young'en trying  to pick up a gal? Yes!
A man old enough to be my Gp? Oh most definitely!
Liked that I was a SAHM/homemaker? Totally not his cup of tea!

Regardless of his age...I think that this means I still got it, right? ;)

Be still my heart.

This week has been a little tough.
But then, this morning I capture this moment...

Oh so blessed.

Tonight...

Tonight I was having a, "is she really ours?!" kinda night.

To be honest, there are a lot of days spent just getting through them and hoping everything goes smoothly. Even though my daily prayer is to cherish each day and moment because my goodness, it's all happening way too fast.

I'm 100% a "cherish every moment" kinda gal' and so even though that doesn't happen every day, I still most definitely try....

But really, is she really ours?! Some days it doesn't feel real...

"What day is it?"
It's today," squeaked Piglet.
My favorite day," said Pooh.”

Building up her immune system/9 months

She thought she was hilarious!!  Every time she would do this we would stop her and of course that made a game of it! Oh well...you can't win 'em all, right? ;)

How is she already 9 months old?! Out longer than in! Oh my how I wish I could find a way to make time slow down, if only for a bit...


"You will never have this day with your children again. Tomorrow they'll be a little older then they were today. This day is a gift. Just breathe, notice, study their faces and little feet. Pay Attention. Relish the charms of the present. Enjoy today, it will be over before you know it. " [Jen Hatmaker]

When the old feelings creep back in....way sooner than anticipated.

When we found out we were expecting, my heart was so full of joy and fear all mixed together. After so many years of my body failing me I had such a hard time grasping the fact that we were truly pregnant. However, as the pregnancy progressed the fear started to slip away and the anxiety that had hung around for so many years started to disappear.  That heavy bolder that rested on my chest for the years we struggled was gone and I was able to enjoy being pregnant and I was able to joyfully anticipate our little miracle.

Now that Faith is 9 months I will be honest and say I haven't felt the old stings of IF really.  Sure, I have fears and anxieties, just that they are different than before. 

But then tonight...it happened, like a swift kick to the gut...a lump formed in my throat and I felt that heaviness on my chest...all over a pregnancy announcement.

One stinking pregnancy annoucement and my insides started shaking and I felt as though I was right back to where we were before we found out we were expecting....

Except, I am no where near that.
Not even close.

My heart is full and my days busy with this sweet little one I get to call my daughter.  She keeps me on my toes and has brought me to tears from frustration/not knowing what I'm doing and she has brought me to my knees in laughter.  

I am her mom...a mom....I am a mother and so hearing of a pregnancy announcement this soon (she's almost 9 months) with those reactions has me startled.

I never anticipated that the those not so pretty sides of waiting would come sneaking back so soon but here I am...trying my very best to shake those not so great feelings.

The crazy thing?  I know SO many people who are pregnant right now so this shouldn't sting...but it does.

A little background to why this announcement stung a bit more than normal: my husband works for a specialty unit within the police department and they are a small, close knit group of guys.  Of the guys in the unit, all have children and as of today all but 2 are pregnant.  Yup, that's what got me....everyone in my husband's unit seem to be getting pregnant and the joke is that there's something in the water causing this!  The thing is is that everyone pregnant now is pregnant with #2 or #3 and their first are barely a year old...so these guys move fast it seems!  My husband said all the guys joke that we are next and so is "so and so" because well, "there's something in the water."

Umm...that would be great if I could simply have some of that water but I am pretty certain that numerous times I "drank" whatever that person was drinking (ie:lots of water, this type of meds, yoga, this "position", etc...) in those 5 years trying to achieve pregnancy but it didn't quite work like that.

I'm rambling, I know...it's just one of those times where all you need to do is type and not really think about it.

So, that's what I am doing.

I really hope that this makes sense and I really hope that those that are still waiting can understand that I am not complaining that I am not pregnant...it's just so hard that these feelings are back already.

I am not ready to have to fight off these feelings.
I am not ready for the bolder to be back on my chest every time I hear of another pregnancy.
I am not ready for people to ask us when we will have our next and me freak out praying and hoping and begging that we are able to conceive again.

I am not ready but for some reason those feelings are starting to surface again.

Looks like I am going to have a LOT of praying to do.  
A LOT of offering up to do. 
And a LOT of remembering to live in the now to do. 

"You don't always need a plan.  Sometimes you just need to breathe, trust, let go, and see what happens." [Mandy Hale]

2 months

I can't believe it's been almost 2 month since I've last written! There's been plenty of posts floating around that I've wanted to write but I've just not made the time...or if I finally take the time, my mind draws a blank!

I do have a lot to catch up on but since that's a bit overwhelming to think about-I'll start with just a few little updates:

-My sweet little one is almost 9 months....crazy crazy to think she has almost been out longer than in! It's happening too fast...

-Speaking of happening too fast, how the heck is it November?!?!

-Not only have I been a poor blogger in regards to actually posting, I've slacked on reading and commenting....hoping to change all that!

-Today is Monday...I haven't been able to lift my baby since Friday! :/ Friday my back went out...which hasn't happened in a long time but usually some stretches are enough to fix it. Not this time. I called my husband in tears and panic because I could barely walk and worried about having to pick F up in the morning. Saturday was so bad, we went to a chiropractor (which has helped in the past also) and by Saturday night the pain was so unbearable that I couldn't even walk. My dh took me into the local er clinic and after meeting with the doctor I found out I have a pinched nerve/slipped disk. A couple shots and some meds later I'm feeling better but still not able to pick up F. My dh gas been incredible, doing it all, but I'm definitely hoping to feel better soon because he works nights (tonight actually) and of course of those we would ask for help, 2 are out of town and one is sick. We are thinking of making a pallet on the ground so that way I won't have to pick her up...I don't know, we shall see...I'm trying not to panic...prayers would be greatly appreciated.

-And so much more but I really just felt like I needed to simply start somewhere, so this is it for now!

(courtesy of Pinterest)




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A baby and her bear

When we brought F home from the hospital my Gm placed a bear in the bassinet with her. It was actually the first gift she received! Well, ever since then that bear has been in her bassinet and now with her in her crib and she snuggles with it...and it's something she must have with her or she can't sleep.

Here's just a few pictures I've taken while she's been sleeping...

And when we had her 6 month pictures taken we had to have a couple shots of her and her BFF...thanks to her Aunt E for once again capturing these precious pictures:





So when it came to her Halloween costume I was thrilled when I went to my local kid resale shop and found a bear costume:


I love that she loves that bear so! It's absolutely precious to walk in and see her snuggled with it or when I see her playing/talking to it!
Aaaand...that's all for now folks! A whole post about my sweet little one and her bear! I could have also written about her love for her lamby (paci wubbanub) but I think I'll wait on that one! ;)

"Find joy in the ordinary..."

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Come on Fall

Sure, it's still well over 90 degrees out but I'm thinking if maybe I light a Fall candle and drink an Octoberfest brew then the weather will catch a hint...

Seems simple enough!

I'm so ready for Fall... and scarves and cooler weather and tall boots and pumpkin anything and cooler weather and snuggles under blankets and cooler weather and Fall beers and did I mention cooler weather?

Ps-thanks for the congrats on my new niece/nephew that's on the way! Keep those prayers coming, please, first doctor's appointment is coming up.

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I can spill the beans because she has spilled the beans!!!

Those prayers that I asked for?
Well...they are for my baby brother and sweet SIL...THEY ARE PREGNANT!!!!! Oh my goodness!!!!!

4 years of being open to life...
3.5 years of knowing the pain of TTC....

Please oh please continue your prayers for my precious little niece/nephew!!!

Grow baby grow!



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Back to blogging and a prayer request....

It's been awhile since I've posted...let's just say it's been a mixture of many things (some good and some not so good) that have kept me away...but, regardless, I don't think it's a coincidence that I decided to come back today because it's today that I found out something pretty amazing-that will most definitely need lot sof prayers....

Please, if y'all get a chance, please pray for a special intention...and as soon as I can, I'll update y'all on the details! :)

Thank you SO much.

Mommyhood up to now...

I can still remember those last few weeks leading up to F's big arrival.  I wanted to meet her so badly that it seemed that each day was longer than the last, like time was going at a slow crawl.

Then her arrival and what a whirlwind of an experience.  Talk about FLYING by...there are many days I wish I could go back to those weeks leading up to her birth.  I would probably try and soak them in a bit more if I could.  But, I don't seem to have that superhero power and so I will just try to live in the moment now.

For these first 5 and half months of her life there have been so many highs and so many lows.  Many days I joke I feel like I am just as clueless as the day before.  And then I have days where I feel like I am rocking and a rolling at the whole being a mama.

All in all the first months were filled with a lot of moments/times/events that  I hadn't prepared for.  Sure there was the exhaustion, the clueless-ness, etc...but mixed in to that was also: Baby blues.  Oh baby blues...I thought surely many times that I had PPD because there were so many evenings that I would simply cry and cry and cry and look at this beautiful baby and wonder if I truly loved her enough...if I was good enough...If I would ever be ok with loosing my freedom...if she would ever love me...if my husband would love her more...if my struggle with IF was because I wasn't suppose to be a mother.  Thankfully, this only lasted a few weeks and the uncontrollable crying stopped and I realized that my hormones were messing with me oh so  badly. And then the exhaustion hit in and it was something that I had heard about but was much harder than I anticipated-something that as cliche as it sounds, I didn't quite get until I was living it myself. And there were many more things but honestly, I am sure I would sound like any other new mom out there...so I'll just stop at those.

Here I am now, with an almost 6 month old who we waited nearly 5 years for, and I am still in awe that she is my daughter.  There are many mornings where I wake up at "too early" o'clock and drag my feet into her room and pick her up and do our little morning routine all the while thinking about what I would give for just a little bit more sleep.  But then there are mornings where I wake up at the all too familiar "too early" o'clock and tip toe into her room and look at her and nearly break down in tears that she is actually ours.

Something new that has been happening lately?  She recognizes me!  There will be times when others are holding her and she sees me and whimpers...she locks eyes with me and wants only me.  And when I grab her she locks her little dimpled arms around me and kisses (okay, more like sucks but whatever) my neck and I melt...and think about how all those moments where I wasn't so sure...when I was scared...when I felt like I gave so much and got nothing in return...but then, it seems that all of a sudden...I got something back.

That little whimper for me.
That little hug.
That little slobber kiss.
That recognition that I am her mama.

So worth the wait...the wait through the difficult first few months...through the difficult moments even now.

Worth the wait just like she was worth the wait through all those months of BFNs, injections, medicines, crazy hormones, feeling left out...

It's all worth it.
So very worth it.

(Here's a new trick of Faith's...her little ham it up smile! Thank you Aunt E for capturing this one!)

"Make this moment count."

And the winner is...

I did a random number generator thing I found online and the magic number was...

Commenter #12...January @ Women for All Seasons!! You were the last to comment but the first to get picked! Yay! :)

Congrats!

Email me your address and ill ship them out to you later this week!

Last chance!

If you want to win some headbands don't forget to go and Comment on my last post!!

Good luck y'all! :)

Drawing will be on Wednesday!

Giveaway: baby headbands!

Hey y'all! So I've ordered from this website called Bitsy Bands about 3 times now and every time I love the flowers and the elastic is super soft!

The best part...the price! Everything is so cheap, even with shipping, so I've been able to make F's headbands for $1.50 or less!

I got my order delivered today and was so excited to make F some new headbands-and when I got started I realized I ordered double of some of the flowers...which means I want to give away 5 headbands! The size I made (going off a chart I found online) says it should fit newborn-9 months or bigger (since its elastic).

Here's the five headbands you can winAnd just to have an idea what they look like on, I had a beautiful model to show them of offSomone is teething it seems so she's not as eager to smile for the camera! :/ Still beautiful though! :)

If anyone wants them all you have to do is comment...even if it's just a hello! I'm thinking maybe ill learn of some readers out there I didn't know about!

Like I said, I didn't need double of these so I'm giving them away-my first ever giveaway-so I am hoping at least one person wants them!

(Bitsy bands is an awesome website but are not involved in this giveaway...it's all me since I got order happy the last time!)

5 months which is almost a half of a year which means we are getting close to one!

Okay, so I am not that crazy thinking that she is almost one...but I will say that I am absolutely shocked at how quickly this time is going.

Oh how the struggle with IF had the days/weeks/months/years feeling like they were dragging by...so slowly...so painfully.

Then when I was pregnant, it seemed that some days dragged by but overall it FLEW by.

And of course, now, holding my 5 month old, I'm still in awe at just how fast it's going.

She's such a beautiful gift and I can't help but stare at her and thank the Lord for her.

One of my favorite times of the day is when I'm nursing her before laying her down for the night.  I've implemented a rule for that time: no cell phone.  I use to bring my phone into her room and browse on it while nursing her, before putting her down for the night, but then I think it just hit me...this time was precious and I was never going to be able to get it back.  So out with the phone and in with back scratches, lullabies, and prayers.

My favorite time.

Oh that and when I go and get her first thing in the morning and she gives me the biggest smile and starts kicking her legs with excitement.

My favorite time.

Oh, I also love when she puts her little arms around my neck and buries her sweet little face in my neck.

My favorite time.

Too many favorite times really.

Just trying to soak them all up.

One frustration however, is that I have some people (people who know we struggled) asking if we "plan" on having more and if so, telling us that we should wait and space them out.

*Rolls eyes.

Listen up people, something my dh and I learned a LONG time ago is that we are not in control of our fertility-God is.  Sure, if I could "plan" our next child (God willing we have another) I would love to be pregnant by the end of the year-regardless of the advice we've been given to wait and space them out.  But like I said, all we can do at this point is cherish our time with F and pray that one day we have more.  Until then though I'm going to try my best now to not dwell on the what ifs and fear of the future because nothing good comes from that.  It's hard, not going to lie, but overall I think I'm doing an ok job not worrying about what the future holds at this point-prayer has helped with that.

Anyways, these days with my now 5 month old are filled with exhaustion, laughter, blessings and lots of learning/growing moments.

So blessed to call this little 5 month old my daughter...

"Worry is a total waste of time. It doesn't change anything. All is does it steal your joy and keep you very busy doing nothing."

HB 2...

...fights for those who cannot fight for themselves.

[Just one of the many traits she's carried over from the womb].

HB 2 passed which means:

PRAISE THE LORD!!!!

Proud to be a Texan!!!!!!!!!!

"A person's a person no matter how small"

The lucky one.

I posted about this yesterday on my FB but it's too crazy not to post here also!

Yesterday, before heading out to run errands, I couldn't find our main keys (the ones with EVERY important key!) and since it was inching closer to little ones bedtime, I grabbed the spares and off I went to run my errands.

After getting to the first stop, I went to the trunk to get the baby carrier and low and behold, this is what I see...

I couldn't believe it! It wasn't like I went right down the street-there were definite turns, especially the sharp left that happened (while speeding up to catch the light) that surely would have those keys flying!

I definitely felt like a lucky one yesterday.

Now...maybe I should go and buy a lottery ticket...if I win I'll split the pot! ;)

Working out

First off, thanks for all the feed back in my last post. That is one thing I absolutely love about this blogging community, you can write about something, feeling a little like you're the only one experiencing certain feelings, and then you get feed back from others (going through different walks of life even) and realize you are most definitely not alone! So thanks for all the comments!

Moving on to today, because I did something I haven't done in close to 2 years and wanted to share...

I ran a mile.

Go me go.

I've been doing the elliptical on and off and walking on the tread mill but tonight-after too much talk of wanting to start running again-I ran.

I stepped on the tread mill and started walking...then decided to just do it *insert cheesy Nike commercial here.

I ran that mile and I didn't die or even feel like I was going to die.

I've been thinking about my working out/getting back in shape a lot lately. If only I would have put as much effort in to actually working out as I did thinking about it I'd probably be well on my way to feeling pretty dern good about myself.

But I'm so not there-sure ive lost some weight but nothing to really write home about. I know I'm not the first person who has a baby and then has trouble with her body image-mix that with guilt of even feeling bad about how I look because I know why my body looks the way it does...my sweet miracle...and well, lets just say I've been a bit of disaster here and there! My goodness though, that's another post for another day...

No more excuses like: I just had a baby...but I breast feed....but I really like wine...but I really like beer...but I really like French fries...but my toe hurts...but my sport bra doesn't work because my boo.bs are ginormous from breast feeding...but I'm tired...but I need to catch up on my shows...

So I'm starting to run again!

And like I've said, I'm already one mile into this journey...

Which by the way is one mile more than yesterday! ;)

I've found that whenever I'm working out music is so very important and can at times make or break my mood, so I need y'all's help with that! What is your favorite songs that motivate y'all? Please help me put together a new play list because my old one isn't cutting it (hence why Ive been using Pandora!) and needs to be updated soooo bad...

See? It's a really crappy play list that hasnt been updates in years it seems! So, what are y'all's favorite songs to listen to? I'm really excited about putting together a new playlist that will hopefully motivate me and keep me going while I'm working out!!

A Nike tumblr seemed like the only appropriate way to end this post! ;)

Guilt.

I find myself feeling guilty quite often these days.  It seems that struggling for years with IF, then crossing over, has left me with this.

For example, some days are hard-especially the first 3 months.  I would find myself so completely overwhelmed with: cluelessness, fear of the unknown, exhaustion, thoughts of losing my independence, body image issues, etc...

And every time I would feel these things, I would immediately feel this tremendous amount of guilt.  Guilt because I knew there were still so many begging God to be exactly where I was.  Guilt because I remembered just how many tears I cried begging to be where I was.

After 3 months, things started to get a bit "easier" and I started feeling more confident in my ability of being a mama.  However, there are still days (like today for example) that are so very hard and tiring.  And I find that that guilt creeps back in.  So on top of feeling overwhelmed by a not so great day, I have this guilt weighing on my chest.  It wasn't until recently though, that I realized I need to let go of that guilt and simply admit that things are going to be hard at times.  

I sure wish it was that easy, to simply let go, but I think realizing that I need to let go is the first step in moving forward.

I love being her mama more than I could ever explain with mere words.  Most days I feel like my heart could burst with joy and love for her.  But then, those not so great days creep in and that guilt builds up and I feel so very overwhelmed.  Something I've decided to do, when that guilt creeps in, is that I'm going to offer up my hard day, my lack of sleep, etc...for anyone out there who is feeling hopeless...for those who aren't sure of where God is leading them...for all those who are still waiting.

Offering it up for others.  That's what I will do because hanging on to guilt over something I have no control over is not going to help anyone.  But offering up prayers for others will hopefully make a difference in someone's life.

(Image courtesy of Pinterest)

I promise to blog more

I promise to blog more.

I really do.

I hate that it's been so long since I've blogged and also since I've been commenting....

...let's just say I've been having a sort of blogger identity crisis [onceIFbutnowwithbabeandstillsomuchmore].

But anyways...I'm still here...and doing well...and plan to jump back into blogging soon!

Sew thankful...sew cute!

A pretty blogger took the time to not only send little miss a cute dress but she made it!

We're working on sitting up as you can tell! ;)

Thanks again Sew ! :) We love it!

One year ago today.

This happened.

My goodness how time has flown by.

Cherishing these precious moments.


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Mother's Day gifts through the years...

I'm sure you are wondering what I mean by Mother's Day gifts through the years-especially since this was my first Mother's Day this year.
Let me explain...

Mother's Day 2008: We had been married 11 months and had already been working with a doctor for 4 months.  I was blissfully hoping that we would be pregnant by this time but we were not.  Even though it hadn't even been a full year of us getting married, that first Mother's Day was still a little hard because we were realizing that it wasn't going to be quite as simple to get pregnant as we had hoped for.  So, that Mother's Day I bought myself a gift-a little something to help me get through the day and help me to not lose hope:

 Mother's Day 2009: Still battling IF, I decided to continue my little tradition that I had started the year before and went out and bought myself another gift, all the while hoping that this would be the last year that I would have to buy my own Mother's Day gift (God obviously had way different plans).  I picked out another cross, how appropriate that this was one of the first I saw:

Mother's Day 2010: Another year goes by and I go out and buy myself another gift...another little reminder to not give up, this one is called the "Angel of Hope":

Mother's Day 2011: I liked my idea of buying myself a Willow Tree figure, so out I went not knowing if I would find one that would be appopriate for my non-mother-Mother's Day gift for myself, but when I saw the "Angel of Health" I bought it and begged God to help heal my body of PCOS: 

Mother's Day 2012: Little did I know that I was already a mama at this point and the funny thing is, we were out of town with family and so I never had a chance to go out and buy myself something.  

Mother's Day 2013: I actually thought about the fact that this year I wouldn't be partaking in that little tradition that I had started with myself back in 2008, instead my dh was excitedly thinking of a special gift to get me.  And boy did he exceed all my expectations for a first Mother's Day gift.  When we woke up that morning, he said that he and F had a little something for me, along with two beautiful cards.  He pulled out a jewelry bag from the same place he had bought my pearl earrings for our wedding, and inside was the most beautiful, thoughtful piece of jewelry that he designed (he picked out each pendant himself!).  The opal is for us (our birthstone) and the amethyst is of course for our sweet little one.  I cried when I saw it and I know it's something that I will cherish forever:

Now, some people may think that I am crazy for buying myself gifts on a day that was such a painful day, but for me it was something that I had to do for myself and regardless of all the exact reasons...it seemed to help me.  Looking back I am so glad that I started that tradition with myself all those years ago-looking at each of those things now, I am reminded of where we came from, I am reminded that even in the midst of some really difficult days, I still hoped.

"We have to choose joy and keep choosing it." [Henri Nouwen]

Perspective

This past week has been tough. Our once great sleeper has had some rough nights. Before she was going down around 8 and sleeping until 4 or 5, nursing and then back to sleep until 8.

But we are going on a week of some pretty tough nights.

Maybe it's a growth spurt...
Maybe it's the 3-4 month sleep regression...
Maybe it's teething...
Maybe she's needing to be weened from her swaddle...

Either way, last night was.the.worst.

Up every hour (or less!) needing comforting to settle.
Which means no sleep for me (she still sleeps in a bassinet in our room).

Around 3:00 I went to change her and nurse her and as I go to pull off her swaddle, I noticed the onesie my dh had put her in:

And it was at that moment, the moment of sheer exhaustion from this not really sleeping for nearly a week, the moment where my eyes burned from not being shut long enough to be refreshed, the moment where I was on the brink of tears desperately wishing my dh didn't work at night, that I saw the words, "I was so worth the wait!"

And it was then that my eyes filled with tears of joy instead of tears of exhaustion.
My heart swelled with joy looking at this precious miracle of ours.


Yes, somedays are hard.
Some nights are hard.
Somedays I feel like a rock star of a wife and mom.
Somedays I feel like a disaster and feel completely lost.
Somedays motherhood seems to come easily.
Somedays I struggle.

But one thing's for sure, I count my blessings in those good days and in those not so good days and look at her sweet little face and think, "yes my little one, you were so worth the wait!"

Im so glad my dh decided to put her in that onesie (first time she's worn it actually!!) because in the midst of this chaotic week, it helped me to take a deep breath, offer up a prayer and count my blessings.

It most certainly helped me to put things into perceptive.

Crazy things people say...

Thankfully this post is not another story about people saying rude comments-like my last one-no this one was more awkward!

A couple days ago I was walking around kohls and this lady comes up to me and says, "Oh yeah, I didn't think that was a real baby!!"

A confused me, while looking down at F in her stroller, goes, "Umm...she is a real baby!!"

Then she tells me that she thought that it was my baby doll for a school project! I laughed afterwards thinking about the fact that she thought I was in high school and that she thought F was a baby doll!

It could have stopped there (like I shared on fb) but the sorta awkward woman came back to me and continued on...
Rambling on about how she's seen some crazy people carry around baby dolls that look like they're real babies and she thought maybe that's something I was doing also!

Nope.
She's real.

I laughed really awkwardly as she walked off (again) and hoped she wouldn't return with more random comments.

Not a school project doll.
Not a crazy lady who carries around a doll pretending it's real.

And that's my story about how my baby got mistaken as a doll and it seems I was mistaken as a high schooler and also a crazy lady!

The nerve of some people

Begin rant:

I was at Costco today and in front of me was a rather young looking mom with her 5 kids.
2 walking.
2 in the cart.
1 in a baby sling.

And up walks a seemingly sweet ol' grandma.
Then I hear her say, "Oh my!!! Are they all yours?!"
To which the young mom responds, "They sure are!"

And then I walk by and the little old lady says, "Oh dear...she's not hers also, is she?!" [referring to my sweet one I was pushing.]
I laugh awkwardly and tell her that she's all mine!

Then...the lady looks at me and says, "Well it seems you need to teach HER how that happens."

Me and that mom just looked at each other completely shocked.

....

WTF?!

She said it so condescendingly and with such a rude look on her face! It threw me off and so I didn't have time to think of a clever remark so all I could say was, "Umm...I think she knows how that happens." The other mom said, "Hmm..must have missed that section in nursing school!"

We just walked off and I asked the mom if she gets that a lot to which she said yes but that that lady was ruder than the average commenter.

I just couldn't believe it-that rude lady proclaimed that loudly and in front of those kiddos-she doesn't know their story but I can bet you that that mom loves each one of her kids and wouldn't wish one of them away.

And me? Good grief, I hate that she looked at me as though I'm the "normal" one with my one baby. Looking back I wish I would have said, "Are you kidding me?! I only wish I was so blessed to have so many kids!" That lady obviously had no idea of our struggle to have that one, beautiful baby.

Hello rude lady, kids are a blessing and just because you think one is enough doesn't mean that others who have more are crazy.

You're crazy.

Some people need to learn to keep their comments to theirselves.

End rant.

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Beautiful Mother's Day post

No, I'm not taking about this one! I'm not quite that confident in my writing! ;)

I'm talking about a post a friend posted on FB and instead of attempting to explain it, I'll just let y'all read it here.

I had tears reading it. So beautiful and touching.

.....

I'm definitely looking forward towards tomorrow...it's a day I've longed for, hoped for and dreamt about. All thanks to this sweet little one, who made me a mama:

Praying for all mamas, mamas to be, wanna be mamas, and mamas at heart!

Prayers please!!! ***Updated

Hello pretty ladies!

I know it's been a little while since I've posted and to be honest, I have a few posts I'd like to write, but for now...I am asking for prayers for my beautiful sister in law!  

Tomorrow morning at 9:30 CST, my SIL, E, will be having her surgery.  They will be unblocking a blocked tube and looking around to see if there's any other potential problems.  My prayer is for her, the doctors performing the surgery and my little brother who will be waiting anxiously.

My brother will be sending me updates and hopefully I'll be able to update everyone here. 

Until then, please oh please keep her and my brother and the doctors in your prayers.

Saint Gerard, Saint Therese, Our Blessed Mother, PRAY for US. 

***Update:
My brother texted about 2 hours after her surgery and said that the doctor said everything went great!  He will hear more later and let us know!  But for now, we can offer up prayers of thankgiving that everything went so well!  Praise The Lord!!!

Saying thank you.

This morning I woke up and made cupcakes in between feeding the baby, cleaning and getting ready for the day. Oh but don't be too impressed...I made boxed ones this time...but DO be impressed by the fact that I made the funfetti kind. So good.

Why make cupcakes on this random Tuesday you ask? To say thank you.

As you might remember, when we first found out we were pregnant last June, my old doctor was not going to provide any more progesterone support aside from one oral progesterone pill...and with a lousy level of 6, things didn't look that great. But with the encouragement of many bloggers, I followed up with PPVI and they agreed to monitor me and even over nighted injections!

One predicament that we encountered was that I needed to find a place to draw up my labs and then release it to me to send to Omaha. No place/lab was willing to do it until my MIL mentioned her good church friend's husband...who was a obgyn! And he agreed that they would draw my labs (for free!!!) and release it to me to ship! Praise The Lord!

So every other week from week 6 onwards, I woke up early on Tuesday and would drive 30 mins east to his office. Most times I would pray my rosary asking (more like begging and pleading) The Lord to help my numbers to rise properly and help my sweet little one to continue to grow. My heart was usually anxious.

And today, I got in my car and drove the same way I did all those times, except this time my heart wasn't anxious...I wasn't nervous about getting my blood drawn yet again...and I certainly wasn't begging God to help my numbers rise because I feared miscarriage or early labor.

Nope, today I had tears of joy driving to that office because of a certain someone sitting behind me.

She was here.
She was safe.

And I had no fears that my body would fail and cause her harm.

Cupcakes didn't quite seem like enough to say just how grateful I was but I think her smiles and coos made up for that...she was definitely chipper and extra social during the visit!

And after the visit, instead of the usual waiting around for my lab and then trip to the post office, I headed to my in laws because little miss was hungry. And so I fed her and snuggled with her extra!

The journey to getting to this day, this moment was sure filled with lots of tears and fears...but overall I am still in awe that I'm her mama.

"To get through the hardest journey we need take only one step at a time, but we must keep on stepping"

[Side note: I tried to upload pictures but blogger wasn't having it...quite frustrating! Anyone else have this issue?]

Talking IF at a mom's group

One of my SIL's is  part of a mom's group at her church and while I was pregnant she mentioned a few times about me joining.  It always seemed so odd to talk to her about it, I mean come on, ME...join a mom's group?!  Yeah sure I was pregnant but it still hadn't sunk in that I was a mom.  5 years of IF will do that to you!  Well, after F was born she talked with me about coming again.  One would assume that actually having the baby in my arms would make it seem more real, that I was indeed a mom and I could actually join this mom's group.  

So I went to my first meeting and it felt.so.very.odd.

A bunch of moms just sitting in this semi-circle.
Some with little babies.
Others with their older ones in the nursery.
 All talking about the ups and downs of motherhood.

I have now been to about 4 or so meetings and it is finally feeling not so weird.  I am finally feeling like I am not an imposter.

I am actually looking forward to these meetings and not feeling so uncomfortable.

At one of the meetings, the group leader had everyone go around and discuss who they were and say a little something about them.  I kept it light, "my name is J, this is my dh and I's first baby, F, and I've never been to a mom's group before so this feels odd..."

Anyways, as they were going around the circle-which was made up of young moms (like my SIL) and some older ones who had kids in school already, but most moms had at least 2+ kids.  There was this one woman however, K, who was very soft spoken and seemed really sweet.  She said her name and that she had only one child who was 8.  Now, to the average never experienced IF gal, they may have thought nothing of it but the first thing I thought of was, "I bet she is suffering from IF."  I made a mental note to offer up prayers for her, just in case.

Fast forward to today's meeting.  The topic was Faith and we were suppose to have a guest speaker, however last minute they had to cancel.  So instead, the group leader decided that we would go around and if we wanted to share, discuss how faith plays a roll in our lives. 

As she said that, I looked down at the sweet little one nestled in my arms.  All I could think about was how faith was the only thing I had at times to get through those difficult and sometimes dark periods of IF.  I kissed her nose and thanked God for helping me to cling to my faith because it brought us to our sweet little Faith.

The first woman began to describe when faith was prevalent in her life...a difficult pregnancy and child birth.  The next one described how she labored a long time but had faith it would be fine.  Another discussed how she was told she was going to have to have a c-section but had faith God would help her to birth naturally.  A couple other moms talked about their conversion to Catholicism and how their faith led them to the Church.

Then we came to that one lady, K.  I noticed that tears were already filling her eyes before she even spoke.  I myself felt a lump form in my throat and the warmth of my own tears building up also.  She went on to say she was unsure that she wanted to share something so personal but that she felt compelled to.  And then she discussed how she and her dh had always wanted a big family but unfortunately they only had their one child, the 8 year old.  She talked about how hard it was but that she had faith in God.

I hate that I was right in my thinking she was suffering with IF.  I really do.  There's just something about having gone through it that makes you super aware of others that may or may not be going through it (before it's ever discussed even!!!).  Now, I don't know her whole story, she seems rather private, but I'm hoping that by going to these meetings and social gatherings, I'll get to know her and maybe hear more about what she's going through, what they've done, etc...but until then, I'm definitely praying for her.  Seeing her talk about it I noticed that pain in her eyes that only an IFer would recognize.

When the time came for me to talk I was nervous about saying something but then I realized that if that one lady could talk about her struggle, so could I.  And besides, being able to hold up my sweet little Faith for all to see, as a testimony of sorts, seemed too perfect for this discussion of faith.

I am pretty sure my voice was shaky, I had a few tears in my eyes but did a good job of not really crying, and I probably rushed the story and purposely left our many details (too personal and private to share with these women I have only known for a bit) and said something along the lines of: married for almost six years.  were trying immediately after getting married and secretly hoping for honeymoon baby.  sought the help from numerous doctors from 6 months into our marriage until this time last year.  was about to work with PPVI when a month before our 5 year anniversary we got our first ever BFP.  Clung to our faith throughout the struggle and now we have our little Faith here with us. 

Like I said, I kept out many details because I didn't feel it necessary to open up that much, but I am so glad I said something.  If anything, maybe that one mom, K will realize she isn't alone in her struggles, that even in the midst of all these other seemingly fertile, Catholic moms, there was someone else that understood that pain.

It's crazy where the cross of IF will show up.  

I know for me, the last place I expected it was mom's group. 

(Photo courtesy of Pinterest)

Multitasking

[Coffee+curling the hair+holding the babe.]



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The three times I cried today.

1) Pulling up to the doctor's office in anticipation of F's 2 month appointment with shots.
2) When the doctor talked about all of her milestones and about how she will start going longer in between her night time feedings.
3) When she received her shots.

To be honest, I laughed-although awkwardly through my tears-after each time. I know I'm being way emotional.

I know this.

It's just that there's the fact that my little one is already 2 months old and I simply cannot believe it (I don't care if it sounds cliche either!!!). How can it be that with the 4.5 years waiting for her, each month dragged on by and yet here we are...my pregnancy gone and over with and my sweet newborn now 2 months?

That's one of the main things that had me in tears, in front of the doctor today, when he was discussing all her milestones and about how she's sleeping longer through the night, etc...it's going by too fast and I still feel like we just got our BFP not that long ago.

So yes, tears because I realize just how quickly things move along...

...and tears of course seeing her going from our bright eyed smiling beauty to waaaaailing and then moving to "tears streaming with her mouth wide open but no sound coming out" crying because of the shots!

Thankfully the nurse was sweet and I had my dh there.

I was such an emotional mess today.

Things are just going by so quickly.

I've waited so long for this that I hope that through the crazy, stressful and at times down right tough moments I don't forget:
where we've come from...the waiting...the hundreds of sleepless/tearful nights of pain wondering when I would be a mom...what it felt like to feel her kick/move from within...mostly, that I don't forget every single thing that had to happen, that had to come together at the most perfect moment to create that miracle.

That sweet miracle I call my daughter (my daughter!! saying this still makes me heart leap with joy) that's sleeping a few feet away in her bassinet....

Dear Lord,
I thank you for the miracle of life. I thank you for our daughter. Some days are absolutely perfect and as I always envisioned/hoped for and other days are hard, and I feel so overwhelmed and under qualified, but through it all I am beyond grateful that you've entrusted my husband and i with her. Help us to always cherish these moments with her.
Amen.

So in love with him.

When I went to write something on the list for my next grocery trip I saw this...

And this (oh, if only you could hear what's going on in this next picture, like him singing sweetly and telling her stories)...


I am so blessed.

Oh goo.gle

I have a problem.
A problem that involves a little someone by the name of goo.gle.
I use him waaaaay too often and every time he has me second guessing just about everything I do.

During our nearly 5 year struggle, each month during the 2ww I would do searches for all these symptoms and he would tell me either I was pregnant, I wasn't pregnant or I was going to most likely grow an extra ear.

Then, when I was (oh so very surprisingly and gratefully) pregnant I would do searches for my loss of symptoms, possible symptoms, etc and he would tell me I was either pregnant, going to miscarry or that I was going to most likely grow an extra ear.

And now that I'm a mother of a sweet little one I have done searches for all things baby and he (oh, I haven't mentioned to y'all that goo.gle is a he? Well he is! ;)) would tell me that I'm either doing it all wrong, doing it sort of right or that she's going to most likely grow an extra ear.

Oh goo.gle.
I need to sever this so called friendship.

The thing is, when there was about two weeks left in Lent I realized that I had gotten out of control with my searches and I was second guessing everything I was doing as a mother...which resulted in a lot of unnecessary anxiety.

So, with those two weeks left in Lent, I gave up goo.gle.

And life was grand.
I didn't second guess myself and things actually went way smoother.

But now that Lent is over I've found that I'm back to searching here and there and once again, I've found myself second guessing stuff I shouldn't.

Ugh.

And that's why I've decided they I just need to break up with goo.gle, especially when it comes to little things.

The big things I can ask my doctor.
Or other moms that have been there.

But no more unnecessary anxiety caused by me using goo.gle.

No more being told I'm doing it wrong...
Or that I'm going to grow that extra ear! ;)




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To new blog or not to new blog part 2

I've enjoyed reading the comments about whether or not y'all think I should start a new blog  and to be honest with y'all, I still have no clue what I want to do!

Well, I guess if I'm going to be completely honest with y'all I should tell you that I did start a new blog and I have already posted on it a couple times.  BUUUT...I am not sure if I want to keep it.  I'm playing around with it to see if I'm comfortable with having a blog that is not so anonymous and has more pictures (of our faces...ahh!!). 

I do really wish I could just keep this one and slowly transition into being more open with pictures and whatnot, but I have that fear in the back of my head that someone IRL will stumble across my blog and re-read my posts and find one that I had written about their lack of sensitivity or how frustrated I was, etc and take it personally or judge.  I am definitely struggling with worrying about what others will think.  Since this blog is still somewhat anonymous, I do not fear so much what people think (but I would surely hate it if y'all thought poorly of me!!).

Goodness...I really feel as if I am rambling on.  Bottom line, I'm still unsure, so for now I will keep this one going and may continue to post on the other one and if and when I do decide to let people know about the other one, I'll let y'all know (via emails and whatnot).

And now...I'm off to shower since little Miss is napping.  My showers are my saving grace at times.  I must get a shower every single day or else I feel a bit frazzled.

A shower and some mascara actually.
Those two things are a must for this new mama.

I still can't believe...

...that this is my life.

Oh sweet one, you have no idea how a simple act, like reading to you, helps to heal my once-broken-IF-heart.

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19 weeks in the womb...7 weeks outside

It's amazing to see these pictures side by side.

September 2012 and March 2013:

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Prayers for my friend.

I wrote about a friend of mine that easily got pregnant with #1 within a few short months of being married. I then wrote about her loss last September with baby #2.

Well, shortly after the loss of baby #2, her and her husband found out they were expecting again.

They were cautious but hopeful.

She only told family and close friends asking for prayers for this little one, especially because it seemed that there could have been something wrong (as indicated on the ultrasounds).

She got the final word back last week that there little one was perfectly healthy and they even found out that it was a girl!

They celebrated and felt relieved and shared the news with the rest of the world!

However, I just found out that at her appointment today, the baby had passed. Whereas they were celebrating a few short days ago, she now mourns the loss of another baby.

She would have been 15 weeks tomorrow.

Please, please keep B and her family in your prayers tonight. My heart breaks for them.

Thanks in advanced.


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Officially closing that chapter.

On Monday I had my 6 week postpartum follow up.

My dh was quite eager for us to be cleared to..how do I put this ever so eloquently...do it. Ha, to say he was counting down would probably be an understatement!

But for me, I hadn't thought too much about it except that I could distinctly remember being in the hospital the day after F was born and hearing the doctor tell me, "Don't forever to schedule your six week follow up...etc, etc...pelvic rest....etc, etc..."

6 weeks seemed like a lifetime away, especially since that last month of pregnancy seemed to last forever.

And yet, there I was, getting ready for my 6 week follow up.

What I wasn't prepared for was the emotional aspect of it.

On Monday, little one was napping and and so I left her with Dh and headed to my appointment.

When I pulled up my heart started racing and I felt a lump gather in my throat.

The last time I had pulled up here I was pregnant.

And now, here I was...all not pregnant...

The smell of the office and signing in and even the familiar face of the receptionist caused that lump to grow even larger.

All these things reminded me of that very thing I had prayed so hard for, that I hard worked so hard for...to be pregnant.

It felt so odd to be back in the place where we saw first saw her at 8 weeks.

Where we first heard her heart beat at 11 weeks.

The place where with each appointment brought anticipation of hearing/knowing she was doing well, all snuggled inside my belly.

It really brought me back to last June and all those emotions I felt when we found out we were actually pregnant!

Thankfully I was able to hold it together through my appointment (healing great, given the go ahead for everything, etc) but the moment I left and got in my car I lost it.

And that's when it hit me, that chapter, pregnancy, labor and delivery, with F, was forever closed.

Sure if God wills us to become pregnant again I'll be back there experiencing those same events, but I couldn't let go that that chapter with HER, our first, our precious miracle, the one who made me a mom and my dh a dad was done and closed.

We are now moving forward into the next chapters...

Parenthood.
Life with a baby.
Sleepless nights.
Being her mom...

And it may sound silly, especially because the joy I get from holding her, smelling her, kissing her is so great, but there's a part of me that misses that chapter.

Even though i miss that chapter at times, we are already moving forward and it's insane how quickly things are happening.

Needless to say, after leaving the office and running the errands I needed to get done, I couldn't wait to get home and hold my baby!!!

For the rest of the day I was all nostalgic and talked to my dh about how blessed we were and how things were going, more or less, amazing.

And then, I made the mistake of eating fresh jalapeños at dinner, my dh left for work and the night went not quite as I envisioned my night to be after my emotionally, nostalgic and beautiful day....

Lots of blowouts...poo on her...on me...on our sheets...tummy aches...tears from her...tears from me...and definitely no sleep from either of us.

...

And so it begins...this new, crazy, exciting, chapter!!!



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Sunday mornings

After F wakes up for the day to eat, I love bringing her to bed with us.

I feed her and then we snuggle and talk.

Mornings are her favorite.
It's that time of the day that she lights up and coos and smiles the most.

Be still my heart...

To new blog or not to new blog

That is the question!

I've been going back and forth lately about whether or not I want to start a new blog. A sort of less anonymous blog-although a lot of y'all I'm now friends with on FB so I guess this blog isn't too private or anonymous!

It's just that I want to write more about happenings with F, what it's like to be a mom post IF, what it's like to be a mom at all (still can't believe this is me!!), post pictures of our heads not cut off, daily ramblings, maybe some of the fun link ups like "what i wore Sunday", etc...

But I'm not sure.

To keep this one going and semi anonymous and fear someone "on the outside" will come across it and read past posts OR keep this one and start a fresh new one to chronicle this fresh new start? You know, one where I wouldn't mind people I know IRL reading (you know, because my life is that exciting)?!

And don't worry, if I did start a new one I'd share (via email from those that asked...ha, I'm assuming people actually would want to!!) with y'all what it is.

So...to new blog or not to new blog?

What to do what to do.





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If you're having your period you are ovulating.

Today, the nurse called back and asked some follow up questions about my bleeding and also to say she had spoken to my doctor.

They seem to think, and I agree, that I've most likely started my cycle.

Yesterday I definitely felt pmsy and the cramping and cravings for chocolate were pretty crazy.

The funny thing is, as I was getting off the phone, the nurse goes, "so, I see we haven't prescribed you birth control...and you know, if you're having your period you are ovulating!" I told her we are Catholic and practice NFP (she's heard of it!) and said to start that backup (thank goodness for my doctor's office-they def respect us and our beliefs!).

After hearing her tell me about ovulating, I wanted to laugh and tell her, " you know, you can have your period and NOT ovulate..."

I mean, 5 years of "having my period" and only a small handful of (alleged) ovulation times there...oh and the one and only definite time last may!

But I didn't laugh at her.
I didn't try and remind her that periods do not always mean ovulation.

Nope.
I didn't.
Because honestly, all I could think of (at 9 am!!!) was when the heck I could get my hands on some chocolate...


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My period?! ***Update***

Quick question....

I have been spotting since delivering 4 weeks ago but it had been pretty light, no clots and pinkish.

But last night and today it's been bright red, a few small clots , heavier and accompanied by back aches and some cramping.

Could I have already started my period?

And how do you tell the difference between starting your cycle vs normal postpartum bleeding/spotting?!

***Update:
I called my doctor's office and they said that I should try and take it easy today because it's not normal for bleeding to pick up like I described. I told them that I am exclusively breastfeeding and they said it shouldn't be my period this soon BUT these cramps sure feel like period cramps and last night before bed all I could think about was a chocolate candy bar.

Now I'm suppose to call tomorrow if it doesn't slow down with taking it easy today but I really wonder if I'm just one of those ladies that starts (really really) early.

Hmm...still confused, so I suppose I'll see what happens today and go from there...

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Our daughter's birth story.

I have thought many times about F's birth these last few weeks.  
Every time, my heart races, tears fill my eyes and my heart feels as though it could burst.

Those moments leading up to finally meeting her, after so many years of heart ache and not knowing, are going to be hard to put down in words...

...but, I will try my best because I do not ever want to forget just how incredible those moments were. 

And so, here goes nothing...here's the story of the moments leading up to and then the grandest moment of all, the moment we met our daughter, Faith Elizabeth.

(It's long...so grab a drink and some popcorn ;) And please excuse the grammatical errors and whatnot...I more or less am just typing it without a care in the world besides getting it out on paper there. )

 ........

On Sunday, February 3, the day before my due date, I was having pretty regular contractions, so regular in fact that we headed to the hospital.  Upon getting there (as I blogged about here) they decided I was just exhausted and gave me something to help me sleep and sent us on our way home.

The next day (due date!!!) I woke up and thought surely, since Sunday proved to be quite exciting, today we would be making more progress to meeting this little one.

Not so much.

The whole day passed with nothing exciting happening.
No water breaking.
No contractions regular enough to time.
Nothing.
Nada.

I know that due dates are only a guesstimate for baby's arrival, but still...there's something about that day coming and going that is a little discouraging.  I mean, for 9 whole months you are counting down to that special day.  For 9 whole months, when people ask you when you are due you excitedly tell them that special day.

Needless to say, due date night, I didn't sleep well...1)I was physically uncomfortable and 2)My nerves and the anticipation were getting the best of me as well.

The rest of the week was spent with tons of nesting and lots of answering texts, calls and FB messages about whether or not I had had the baby.

On Thursday, February 7th, I had my doctor's appointment...with a new doctor!  My doctor, who was a month behind me, had unfortunately been diagnosed with preeclampsia and had to be put on bed rest pending her induction.  I was so sad to know that the doctor who had been with us from the beginning would not be delivering us.  I went into the appointment feeling nervous about meeting this new doctor and nervous about whether or not I had progressed.

I assumed I would have progressed since I had still been having contractions off and on throughout the week.

Not so much.

The new (but thankfully, wonderful) doctor checked and said that I was only dilated to a 1 and that I was "barely" effaced.

I nearly broke down in tears.

But I held it together long enough to come up with a game plan.  We decided that I would come in for another appointment next Tuesday and if I still hadn't progressed we would talk induction for Wed or possibly Thur.

At that point I was definitely ok with induction, even though I had wanted to go into labor on my own...but since I was so eager, and at that point I would be 41+ weeks, I was ok with them inducing me!

After our game plan we got to have an ultrasound to check on our sweet little one.  Her cheeks looks chubby and she looked healthy.  Seeing her gave me strength to remember it wasn't about me, it was about her!

We left the appointment and surprisingly I felt ok with everything.  My husband and I said a prayer and I felt such a strong sense of peace with everything.

We had waited so long to meet her, that what was another week...because afterall, if she wasn't here in a week then we would look into induction...so there you have it, a plan...a plan to meet our sweet little one.

That night my husband went to work with his regular statement of, "call if anything happens...I'll be here no matter what!"

Nothing of course happened that night except that I got the best sleep!  Which I loved because I hadn't really slept well in over a month.

Friday, February 8th started quite the same, numerous texts, phone calls and FB messages asking if the baby was here or on her way.  I told everyone that, "no progress but we have a game plan!" And that sense of peace stayed with me all into the morning and afternoon.

Then Friday afternoon my (new) doctor called and said she was going to go ahead and schedule the induction for Thursday, February 14th, because things were getting really busy with trying to arrange all of my (old) doctor's patients around.  I gladly said we would definitely be okay with that!  After I got off the phone I called and texted family and told them that it looked like we would have a little Valentine's baby and told them that we would be checking into the hospital Wed the night before to start the process!  

My husband I couldn't believe that come one way or the other it looked like we would be meeting our daughter in less than a week.

EEk!  So exciting!!!
To celebrate, I took a picture of my belly and was going to title it "The day she was given her eviction notice!"

That night, my husband left for work saying to call if anything changed-I laughed and said, "yeah right...she's snug as a bug!"  especially since I hadn't felt that many contractions that day.

After he left for work I decided that that night would be the night to make curtains and new pillows...so off to hobby store I went!  I found fabric and woddled around looking through all the fun craft stuff.  

I made my curtains and pillows and then realized that it was getting close to 10 and I was STARVING...so I ordered my go to meal...Papa Jo.hns pizza!

As I was cleaning up, I noticed that I started having some contractions again, but didn't think much of it because I had been having them all week long.

Right before the pizza guy got there I noticed the contractions were getting closer and were feeling rather intense, so intense that I had to stop and really concentrate on my breathing.

Then of course right towards the end of a pretty intense contraction, the pizza guy gets there.

I open the door, leaning on the wall, and am breathing threw the remainder of the contraction.

He looks a me, without making eye contact, and goes, "umm...are you...umm...having a...good night?"

He was so uncomfortable and looking back I am sure he was freaked out that I was going to deliver right there!

I got my pizza and put it down, fully thinking I would be eating it just as soon as the dern contractions would stop.  

But the thing is, they didn't stop.  
They kept coming.
And they were getting more and more intense.

So intense that I realized that I could not even think about eating that delicious pizza, whose aroma filled the living room!

That's when I knew something was different...I couldn't eat! ;)

I called my husband and told him that I wasn't sure if it was really "go time" or what, but that things were pretty intense and I needed him home for support.

He told me later that after he got off the phone with me he told his partner that he knew it was time and was so excited!

Seeing as he is a police officer,  his partner drove him home in a patrol car, so it didn't take much time for him to get home.  

He walked in all ready to go to the hospital but I told him I needed to shower.

He thought I was crazy, especially since I was hunched over the side of the bed, tears filling my eyes, breathing and concentrating through yet another contraction.

I jumped in the shower and let's just say it was the most painful shower I've ever had with the contractions coming ever 3 or so minutes.

Right after I got out, I changed quickly and we headed to the hospital all the while fussing over that fact that I felt every.single dip and bump in the road!  

At this point, I was still unsure what was happening (heck, I'd never been in labor before!) and told my husband that maybe I was cramping because I needed to go to the bathroom or maybe I pulled a muscle or something!  He of course thought I was crazy and reminded me that those things don't come every 3-5 minutes! 

We got the hospital and checked in around midnight.  The sweet nurse told me that they would monitor me for a few hours and then the doctor would decide what to do from there.

They hooked me up to the monitor and sure enough she could see I was indeed having regular contractions. 

She went to check me and I thought yet again that with these crazy intense contractions I had to surely be progressing.

Not so much.
Like, not at all.

Yesterday at my appointment I was dilated to a one and that night I was dilated to a one.

I was so bummed and at that point thought they would be giving me something to help me relax and get some sleep at home, like they had the Sunday before.

We were monitored for about 3 hours, all the while, I was thinking that these hurt so bad there's no way I can go home and simply "relax and sleep." 

She came back in to check me and said I was at a 2.5.  I got excited because it was progress.  Then I got bummed because she said they like patients to be at least a 3 or more before getting admitted but that she would go get the doctor!

So there we sat, feeling a little defeated, and quite exhausted, waiting for the doctor to come in and say, "Take this medicine and go home and rest!"

Instead, in comes the doctor about 30 minutes later, checks me and finds that I am actually dilated to about 3.5 and proclaims, "Let's get y'all admitted...y'all are having this baby today!"

Then both the nurse and doctor left and my husband and I just sat there, dumb founded, staring at one another.

We couldn't believe that after waiting so many years, that here we were...being told that today was THE day.

We laughed, kissed and then paused while I breathed through another contraction! 

The nurse came in to hook up my IV and my dh left to get our bags.

After he came in, he said, "people would never be able to tell that I am about to meet my daughter!" There was lots of pink...

The rest of the morning felt like it went by in a flash.  Like, I'm fairly certain I blinked 3, maybe 5 times and then it was time to push! I kept telling my husband that it STILL didn't feel real!!!  But here's the low down of how everything progressed in a nutshell:

7:25am-checked and was dilated to a 4 and so they ask if they can break my water.  I say yes...let's do this!

9:00am-after attempting to hold off with the epideral, in fear it would slow things down, I decided that after nearly 11 hours of intense, painful (goodness...there's no words to describe the pain!) and exhausting contractions I ask for the epidural.  Notice the bottom chart on the screen...I was having contractions but couldn't tell because the epidural was BLISS.  PURE BLISS.  If God wills us to have any more children, I will not wait for an epidural...I will get it right away because it was BLISS...have I mentioned how blissful it was? ;)

 10:00am-the doctor checks and sees that I am at a 4 and asks if I want to start a low dose of pitocin.  I agree again, because I am so eager to meet our little one.  The pitocin doesn't bother me...hello blissful epidural...

11:00am-my Gm arrives because she is too eager to sit at home and wait for the call.  My husband naps, I talk with my Gm about how I feel like I am dreaming and that it doesn't feel real, etc...at this point I am so grateful that my Gm is there, she's the one that raised me and as much as I didn't want anyone else in the room leading up to F's birth, I definitely needed her.

12-2:30pm-I'm told to try and rest.  Ha.  Don't these people know that this is the day I am meeting my daughter, there's no way I can rest!!!  Although I do try, there was no way my brain could shut up long enough to actually fall asleep.  During this time they up my pitocin a couple times also.

3:00pm-the nurse checks me and I am a 7!  My dh, Gm and I all get excited!  We are making progress!!!  The nurse informs me that it could still be a few more hours and that I should still try and rest.  Ha.  Not going to happen.  My dh texts/calls the family and close friends to let them know that we have a few more hours but that we were making progress.

4:25pm-since we figured we still had a few more hours, my dh's mother arrives and wants to come in and visit.  So, my dh goes down to get her.

4:30pm-doctor comes in while my dh is down getting his mother, my Gm is sitting on the couch and says she is going to check me.  Now, this is where things start to really get crazy.  She says, "okay, great, you are fully effaced and dilated and let's start pushing!!"  My dh and I wanted to be the only ones in the room for her delivery and here I was, hearing him walking through the door with his mom, and with my Gm on the couch!  Thankfully my Gm understood this and jumped up and saying she will go with my MIL to the waiting room!  My poor Dh, he had no clue it was already time.  I'm sure his mind was racing seeing me pushing already.

I push and each time the nurse says I am doing a great job.  I tell her not to flatter me, if I'm not doing it right to let me know.  She laughs at me and says she's not lying...that I really am doing great! 

Thankfully all this time, the epidural is helping with pain but I am still feeling lots of pressure and am able to know when to push through the contractions.  It was crazy, it was all happening so fast and it was, dare I say...much easier than I anticipated-I guess the nurse was right, I was doing great because...

...not very many pushes later and....

5:02pm on Saturday, February 9th-our world is forever changed and our sweet little one is born.  They lifted our daughter and I was in complete awe that she was there. 

They placed her on my chest and I looked at her, with tears in my eyes and said, "hello sweet one, we have been missing you for so many years..."

I looked at my husband and he looked at our daughter.

Our daughter.

She was here.

And so beautiful.

Later, she was crying on my chest for a moment and my dh started talking and she stopped crying and instantly turned her head towards him.  She knew that was her daddy...that voice was the same voice she had heard talking to her for these last 9 months.

The rest of the room was busy with the doctor stitching me up, and the nurses checking the baby, but for my dh and I, it was as if time was standing still...it was as if it was just him, me and our daughter.  We kissed, hugged, laughed and cried.

So many emotions.
Not enough words to properly describe that day.

There is absolutely no word to use to describe seeing her for the first time.  
And that's ok, because I know how it feels...and I know that that moment will forever be seared into my mind...into my heart...into my soul.

So there's that...our daughter's birth story.

So very blessed.

So very blessed indeed.

Thank you Lord for entrusting us with one of your most precious gifts.

 (I took this a few days ago...just shy of 1 month!)

I wanted to go back again, to recapture the moment that had gone, and then it came to me that if we did it would not be the same, even the sun would be changed in the sky, casting another shadow..."If only there could be an invention," I said impulsively, "that bottled up a memory, like a scent.  And it never faded, and it never got stale.  And then, when one wanted it, the bottle could be uncorked, and it would be like living the moment all over again." [Daphne du Maurier]