Don't you just love when...

...you are browsing the Old.Nav.y website and go to click on the "women's" section but hit this instead...


...yeah, me either! Almost as if the silly world wide web decided to laugh at me and say, "NOT FOR YOU...JUST KIDDING!"

AAAAND...moving on.

I just wanted to wish everyone a happy and joyful NYE and of course a wonderful new year filled with many (manymanymanymany) blessings!

I really do love how the new year brings about a new sense of hope, joy and excitement of what's to come...

Quick takes: Prayer buddy, Christmas season, how I'm feeling, etc..all included

1)I have to do a quick takes tonight because to be quite honest-the time in between my last post has felt like a sort of mish mash (is that how that's even said?!) of thoughts and feelings. Anyways, moving on...

2) I had the honor of praying for K @ www.runningsoloorsolow.blogspot.com-her blog is private, which is why I'm sure I hadn't heard much from her/about her. I immediately felt like I could connect with her because I have had so many heart felt conversation with my one of dearest friends about the aches and pains that come along with waiting for your significant other. I almost was surprised to receive her as my prayer buddy because I always get someone who is waiting and hoping and struggling with TCC...however, once I read her story, I almost felt as if it was natural for me to pray for her, because I had already been praying so hard for my sweet friend. K, just know that you will continue to be in my prayers!!

3) I didn't blog much after my last notsohappygolucky post, but it was because I needed to step back and focus on healing and focus on why I was celebrating Christmas. I wish I could say that it helped me and I was able to truly focus on the true meaning of Christmas and enjoy every celebration-but unfortunately, that wasn't the case. In a nut shell, let's just say Christmas Eve Mass I was on the verge of tears the whole time.

4) Thankfully not too many tears were lost Christmas Eve though because my DH and I showed up a little later to Mass and were stuck in the "back" (if you can even call it that)-where they had extra chairs in the hallways by the bathroom. Let's just say, the little ones trekking their way to the potties distracted me just enough to forget some of the pain I had been feeling.

5) And THANKFULLY and wonderfully, Christmas morning rolled around and my heart and soul felt new again. The hope seemed to creep back in and I felt overjoyed to be celebrating the birth of our Lord. I really have no explanation as to why Christmas morning came and brought me so much peace expect that it was the Holy Spirit. I don't go and question why certain days bring on the hope...I just go with it. Like I've said before, I CLING to it.

6) Can I just say that I am SOOOOO and a million more SOOOO's happy for sweet M @ JBTC and the birth of her precious miracle!! Her daughter was born the day after Christmas and what a beautiful gift that was! I was texting Jelly Belly and telling her how I get so much hope and joy when a fellow IFer crosses over...and truly that joy and hope has spilled over into today!

7) And that joy and hope-I pray for all of us...that this coming year finds many of us, still waiting, filled with blessings and joy through prayers answered.

8) THANK you to all of you wonderful ladies who have been praying for me in the last few weeks. I have struggled so much and was hurting more than I anticipated, but I know it's through y'alls amazing prayers that I have been able to slowly heal and pick up and move forward.

9) Speaking of moving forward, I am SO excited to start working with Doctor Hilgers. I am going to kick this PCOS in the butt. Hard. And then I may punch it also.

10) Okay, so glad I called this post a "quick takes" because I have been all over the place...thanks for bearing with me!

11) Praying for each and everyone of you beautiful blogger ladies and holding on to faith and hope...

"Faith in something greater than ourselves enables us to do what we have said we'll do, to press forward when we are tired or hurt or afraid, to keep going when the challenge seems overwhelming and the course is entirely uncertain." (Gordon Hinckley)

Feeling a little defeated

Ever since hearing the horrible news this past weekend, I spent the rest of the weekend in a fog, crying more than I thought I would and feeling sort of numb.

I know it's going to take sometime to heal from hearing about the loss of the baby. It's just that I thought the worst case scenario would be that she chooses another family or chooses to keep the baby...which both of those don't seem bad at all. I just never ever even thought abortion.

It still makes me so sad to know that is what happened but I'm going to continue to pray for her-as hard as it may be.

It just hurts.

Moving on...

In cycle news...I started spotting today, a couple days sooner than I have been averaging...which is awesome...wa'freakin'who for having your period on/around Christmas eve/Christmas.

I'm already so emotional from things, now add in hormones and I am a big mess.

Oh and, add in another pregnancy announcement (Dh's cousin, it's their second..they married 2 weeks after us-but who's thinking about that, now?!) and that really has sent me into a funk.

I really hate feeling like this. But one can not be always cheerful with hope and smiles spilling out their wazoo...no, the sadness, bitterness and anger come out from time to time as well.

I am going to try my best to get out of this funk ASAP though because I do not want my own little funk to fog why we are celebrating this time of year.

Ugh, I hate feeling like this...

"Courage doesn't always roar.
Sometimes courage is the quiet voice
at the end of the day saying,
'I will try again tomorrow.'"

One door closes as another opens.

Today my heart is filled with both joy and sadness.

Short story of the sadness and door closing:
The young mother who was open to adoption and who we were thinking about adopting from, decided that drugs and alcohol were more important than having a baby.

I think she was nearly 4 months along and she aborted the baby.

My heart feels crushed because this situation brought so much excitement and joyful anticipation for both my dh and I.

But now, that baby is in heaven.

I have tears in my eyes as I type this. It's like I said before, whatever the outcome with the situation (this was before I found out about the abortion) I felt such a strong connection to this little soul and would pray for them and the mother.

I will still pray, but my heart is aching through the prayers because I would have done anything I could have to help that baby have a long and happy and loved life.

But it wasn't my choice.

Please pray for this young mom, M.

Now, as for the other door opening:
Well, I finally mustered up the courage to call PPVI today. I got the information I needed and got off the phone feeling SO excited and so JOYFUL that this was something that was going to bring good things for my dh and I.

That excitement was cut short because literally about 5 minutes after I called, my MIL called me with the sad news.

So many mixed emotions today, tears of sadness and heart break, mixed with a joyful anticipation for this next step in our fertility journey with PPVI.

I trust Him.

Even through the trusting, it still hurts though.
A lot.
My heart is broken.

6 quick takes

I am doing only six quick takes today because:

1) I found out today, at my second week of weight wat.chers that I have lost SIX pounds so far!! I was so shocked especially seeing as I have been munching on the good stuff with my nephews! It feels so good! Hopefully I can keep losing and hopefully this will help in my fertility (or lack there of)...at least I know it can't hurt!

2) No news on the adoption. I just continue to pray for the mother and the baby. It's interesting praying for a young mom and baby (who I have never met) every.single.day. I'm grateful I know the mom's name because then I can pray for her by name. Still so eager but knowing that if this is God's will, then things will fall into place one way or the other.

3) Please hold me accountable. I haven't talked to Omaha yet-and I really want to. It just seems every time I think about it I freak out a little bit (because I know what a HUGE step this will be for us). I am a loser. Please hold me accountable!!

4) Also, since you will be holding me accountable for number 3, will you also help encourage me to schedule my appointment with our local Napro doctor? I haven't seen a regular OBGYN in a year and a half...which means I haven't had my annual...which is really not good.

5) SARAH'S JOURNAL-I totally missed the post where you said you were going private and to email you...I miss knowing what's going on and if it's not too late, could you email me so I could continue reading. (fmtpblog@yahoo.com)

6) Christmas is coming up so fast and I haven't bought (or made) a single gift. BUT I have made a list and know pretty much all I need to get/make. I'm not too worried, it's not too much. I will say though, when I hear about everyone that had their gifts bought weeks ago...well, I felt like a slacker!

The end.

The non-update about the adoption

I really don't have much of an update at all-which is a little disappointing because I would love to know more and have a better "feel" for where this may or may not lead.

But then I take a step back and remember that God is in control and that I pray for HIS will to be done along with His timing.

So anyways, like I said, I do not know much more about the situation but my MIL did find out a few other things, like that this young 18 year old has a three year old and has also had an abortion in the past (unsure of whether it was before the three year old or after). Obviously this was so sad to hear BUT she said that she regrets the abortion so much and would never go through that again.

My heart skips a beat.
A good happy beat.
How ever this situation ends, this young mom will choose LIFE and not abort.

God is good.

We are still praying about it and discussing it and will not know more until my MIL meets with the girl in the next couple of weeks.

I will say one thing, I can't NOT think about it.

The idea, that maybe in 5 or so months I could be a mom.

That my dh could be a dad.

I try and shake that from my mind and not think about it too much but I can't help it. For some reason this situation has come to my dh and I and no matter the outcome, it's forever changed my heart.

For now, we are just sorta sitting in limbo...not really knowing anything about the situation but still trusting in HIS will.

And thanking God that she will not abort the baby!

That's all for my non-update...

“We have very little faith in the Lord, very little trust. If we trusted the Lord as much as we trust a friend when we ask him to do something for us, neither we as individuals nor our whole country would suffer so much.” (Elder Thaddeus of Vitovnica)

This makes any bad day better!

My sweet little, 3 year old, godson was telling me how much he loves me.

Seriously melts my heart into a million little melty heart pieces!!

I will cherish this video until forever and I know that when I am having a not so great day, that it will lift my spirits!

I hope that it brings a little bit of joy y'alls way as well...

Enjoy:

My first ever award

I feel sorta bad because I was first given this award back in November from this amazing blogger and was going to blog about how EXCITED and HONORED I was but unfortunately I'm just now getting around to it. I am still so EXCITED and so honored though! And in the time between then and now, this wonderful blogger and this amazing blogger thought I was ok enough to receive the award also...so needless to say, I'm feeling very blessed! :) THANK YOU ladies!!!

And since I've been given the love...now I will pass the love out to these awesome bloggers:

http://theroadhomewv.blogspot.com/
http://thiscrossiembrace.blogspot.com/
http://ifbuthopeful.blogspot.com/
http://frustrationstation-jellybelly.blogspot.com/
http://theroadhomewv.blogspot.com/


Grr...my computer is being dumb and not letting me do the awesome "click here and it will send you to the link that I just typed out" so...if you don't already know the above bloggers, just copy and paste and go and see for yourself just how awesome they are!!


Upon receipt of the Liebster Blog Award, there are a few very simple rules:
1. Copy and paste the award on your blog
2. Thank the giver and link back to the blogger who gave it to you
3. Reveal your top 5 picks and let them know by leaving a comment on their blog or emailing them.
4. Hope that your followers will spread the love to other bloggers.

Adoption advice. ***UPDATE!**

***I talked more today with my MIL and I had it wrong (not shocking, this was some major news and my heart and mind were racing!!)...apparently it's not family at all, it's the family member's (my MIL's uncle's great grandson's) girlfiend's sister...so the uneasiness of possibly being within family is not even there. My dh is still overwhelmed but open...please continue the prayers!!! Who knows what will happen all I know is that I trust HIM. ***


My dh and I have been trying for nearly 4 years now.
We have been open to life since we got married 4.5 years ago.

We have prayed that God leads us where he wants in regards to growing our family.

And the last so many years...this has been to doctors, pursuing getting me healthy and hopefully pregnant.

He's never let us down and it seems that each time we grow a little closer and closer to growing our family.

And now, we have prayed and feel that we will look into pursing treatment in Omaha with Doctor H (making the call tomorrow please say a prayer!!!) and feel extremely at peace and hopeful and excited.

We've always been opened to the idea of adoption, just never felt it was our time.

Until today.

My MIL approached me this morning with this:

Her uncle's daughter's son's girlfriend (who is 18) is pregnant with her second (the first she had when she was 15 with another man/boy) and was going to have an abortion but decided they want to pursue adoption.

She is 3.5 months along.

My MIL said she prayed about it and since she's worked with pregnant teens in the past, she knew that if she was going to pursue a private adoption, she would need to do that before she showed her to the local crisis pregnancy center and adoption agency.

She said she prayed about it and me and my dh came to her mind.

She had never thought of us before because we are "soo young" and even though we have been trying for awhile we are just "sooo young."

Anyways, I guess this has put a big responsibility on us...pray about/discern about/research about/and look into what it all means to adopt, and within family.

The thing is, my husband and I have not seen anyone on that side of the family (aside from my MIL's aunt and uncle once a year if that) and met these people.

BUT, the young couple want a closed adoption and do not want to know us/or whoever it is that is called to be this little ones parents.

How would that even begin to work within a family?

Sure, my family has had "in the family" adoptions before-my cousin was adopted by bio mom's dad, and my brothers and I were raised by my grandparents, but it's still so new to me to think of in the realms of US...and MY baby...and OUR family...

My husband was at first nervous and skeptical, but with lots of discussion he and I both decided to pray about it and look into what this could all mean.

I guess, I'm just curious and wondering what y'all thought? Would this cause way too many hardships than blessings? I don't want the family to feel unsettled at all.

And even though the bio mom and dad don't want to know who the adopted parents are...how could this be kept from the grandparent/great grandparents, especially because the great grandparents (my MIL's aunt and uncle) still keep in contact with my MIL and FIL?

My heart is already filled to the brim with the idea that this little soul was put into outr lives for a reason...whether it be that we are called to be their parents...or that they decide to parent and so we are called spiritually adopt him/her...or that maybe we are suppose to help lead this baby to another family.

I am not sure.

All I do know is that my mind is racing and my thoughts are going all over the place.

Please pray for us.

And offer any advice you have in regards to adoption/adoption within extended families/advice in general!!

Thanks.

Exausted

But oh so happy!

You see, I've been running around and playing with my nephews.

Why would this make me exhausted?

Well, my poor SIL started not feeling so well at the beginning of the week and so her husband (my Dh's brother) decided they should go to the ER because of lots pain and vomiting, etc...

The verdict?

Appendicitis! My poor SIL! Her and her family live in Maryland and so they don't really get to visit TX but once a year and of course this would happen.

BUT...we have decided that it's a blessing because had this happened back home 1)her husband is a Marine and doesn't get a lot of time off 2)because of where they are stationed they don't have any other family nearby.

Here...they have lots of help between my MIL and me!

And my poor MIL is not quite as active as she use to be and stayed up the first night waking every 3 or so hours with the littlest (4 months) who has a cold and is strictly bre.astfed but thankfully he is taking the bottle like a champ.

Where I come in is that my BIL has been staying the night at the hospital and so I offered to go over and keep the two oldest boys (3 and 6) out of the house so that Gm could get stuff done and rest and then last night I stayed in the room with the littlest one and was on bottle duty so my poor MIL (who's beat from the holidays and having SO many family members over) could sleep.

At first I wasn't so sure I believed the whole "every 3 hours he's waking because of his cough and to eat" but low and behold it was every 3 hours!

Needless to say, after entertaining the two oldest all day yesterday, staying up with the little one last night and then taking the two oldest out again today...I am beat!

I am air high-fiving all moms out there right now! ;)

I'm seriously exhausted!

I was going to stay the night again, but since my BIL has to fly back home for work tomorrow, he's staying the night with the boys (my SIL's orders!) since he wont see them for 2 weeks.

Say a prayer for my SIL, she's in quite a bit of pain-between the emergency surgery and her still pumping and being stuck in the hospital away from her babies.

I will say, that every time I held that sweet little one last night and into this morning for his feedings, I would offer up prayers for many of you and especially my prayer buddy. Sacrificing that sleep for his sweet little self was obviously so worth it, and of course had me imagining and dreaming and praying about the day I am doing that with one of my own, but I was surprised in my sleepy stupor I was able to still pray and offer up prayers.

Anyways, after we took the two oldest to a movie (Arthur Chr.istmas...CUTE movie) and having the 3 year old in my lap the whole time spilling popcorn ALL over everywhere...I told them goodnight and said I would see them tomorrow, which they complained that was, "much too far away...it will take too long!!"

Sweet babies! :)

I came home just in time to kiss my husband goodbye for work (grr night time shifts) and laid on the couch anticipating an early night but then I realized that since all this happened unexpectedly I hadn't been able to put up Christmas decorations (but I've taken down the fall ones so our home feels a bit "naked" to me!) so I thought I would quickly put up the tree....

...1.5 hours later I finished and look forward to finishing the rest soon...just not tonight.

Tonight I am tired.

Feeling extremely blessed and loved.

But oh so tired.

Am I just rambling on now? Maybe I forgot to mention I'm a wee bit sleepy! ;)

And now, I'll end with a hint about where we have decided (with LOTS of prayers, advice and research) to pursue our next fertility stuff:


“The first step towards getting somewhere is to decide that you are not going to stay where you are.”

I would discover pretzel m&ms...

...the night before I start weig.ht watc.hers!!!

Oh me oh my.

Ps...I promise I'll be back to my regularly scheduled blogging soon! 

P.s.s the commercials for those pretzel m&ms disturb me a bit..anyone else?

P.s.s.s yay for prayer buddies!!




- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Even though my heart yearns and aches to be a mommy...

...I will not let that get in the way of why today is important.

Today is a day to give THANKS.

A day to remember all the BLESSINGS.

A day to not forget all the WONDERFUL things that are here and now.

I will not let the pain, hurt and aching I feel inside cloud my heart and mind of seeing the BEAUTY that is in my life right now...

My faith.
My husband.
My family.
My friends.
Our health.
Our home.
Laughter.
Silliness.
Blogger buddies.
Sweet cuddles with nieces/nephews.
Sunsets.
Faith.
Hope.
Love.
And SO much more...

And even though today my heart still aches to be a mommy and have a sweet little one to call my own...I will NOT let that get in the way of all that I am thankful for.

My blessings.

If you stop and truly look at the blessings in your life you will most likely be blown away...because God is that good.

So on this Thanksgiving day...let's THANK GOD for all the beautiful blessings that we have now.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING Y'ALL!!!

Today I learned the best position for TTC...

Yup, that's right folks...I learned the best position for making those babies.

From my 90 year old neighbor!!!

I kid you not!

Here's what happened:

This afternoon the doorbell rang and I got up and saw that it was our sweet, little old neighbor. I opened the door and invited her in.

She was so eager to talk to me that she stopped right then in there in the entryway and began to talk.

She said, "So, do y'all have that baby yet?"

I was taken aback and told her no, thinking that maybe she had us confused with our other neighbors who did indeed just have a baby.

She then says, "Well, I know how badly y'all want a baby and that y'all are trying hard. I would like to share with you something that I just know will work for you guys. I've been meaning to tell y'all for weeks actually."

About this time I'm standing there thinking how odd that she's coming to give us advice but thought that maybe my dh had opened up to her about our struggles and just didn't mention it to me...

She goes on to say, "When I was first married, that first year I wanted a baby but there was no baby. I was worried but then...well, then one nig.ht I got on the be.d on all fo.urs and my dear husband ente.red me from beh.ind. We got pregnant that very night."

Oh.
My.
Goodness.
What'shappeningrightnow.

I am now officially dying inside trying my very best not to crack up laughing and trying my best to tell my face not to show shock or to show too many shades of red.

And then she told me that she just knows it will work for us and that we need to do that and then she left.

And I locked the door...watched her walk away very slowly (in her black fuzzy house slippers) from the peep hole.

Once I saw she was out of sight I BURST into laughter!

I went to find my husband and I asked him what he told our sweet, little, old neighbor about our struggles with trying to conceive.

He looked at me confused and said that he hadn't told her anything.

Then I burst into laughter as I attempted to relive what just happened.

He then burst into laughter and we both looked at each other a bit confused.

Oh my...good times.

Apparently our neighbor has some sort of TTC esp or something because we just moved in to our house a year ago and we have never mentioned it to her before yet, she had been dying to tell us her "little secret" for awhile now.

My cheeks still hurt from laughing.

So yeah, either she really does have TTC esp or I am not doing a good job of "hiding" our struggles with strangers.

By the way, I'm pretty sure I'm still blushing.

Advice

I am helping to put together my in-laws' 40th anniversary and we have most everything set (Mass, invitations, food, music, etc...).

The thing I need advice for is fun ways to display photos of the beautiful couple! I have seen many fun things on pinterest but am still a little unsure as to what I want to do. I'm in charge of decorations and so far, for the table decorations I'm thinking I want to display pictures of them throughout the years somehow.

The rehersal is being held at a cute little German restaurant and so the setting there is already way cute, however, I want to add personal details with the decorations (hence the photos)...or decorations in general!

So, any ideas or fun things y'all have seen?!

Let me know!

Thanks in advanced! :)

P.S...how in the world am I suppose to know when a blogger, that has gone to the private setting, has posted when it doesn't show up in my blog roll?!

This + this + this = awesomeness

I heart Pho.
Don't you know?
If we're friends on fb, then you might...
Oh boy oh boy that first bite!

Okay, so maybe writing poems isn't my thing! ;)

But seriously, this,springrolls with peanut dipping sauce:


Plus this, the actual yummy Pho:


Topped off with the boba tea:


Is pretty awesome! :) If you haven't tried it yet...you should. And if you are ever in TX and near me and want to get some...well, I am SO down!

Anyways, I don't really have much else to say today aside from the fact that I'm still torn between seeking fertility treatment in Austin OR Omaha. Guess I need to keep doing research, asking advice and praying. I just don't want too much time to past because we have already been taking a "break" since August.

Prayers are greatly accepted.

This little heart of mine is rather heavy with decisions and choices and the not knowing...

Oh yes, and before I forget...the verdict for my new hairstyle is that I will not be getting a new one just yet...maybe just a few inches off but nothing too crazy like red or bangs or short. Thanks for the advice!

Wow...random post much? I should have just made this one a "quick-takes" one because well, the pho+talking about where to seek fertility treatment+hairstyles=all over the place.

Eek.

Anyhoos...off to think about that pho'bulous meal I just had! ;)

Veteran's Day

Today, don't forget to remember all those that have served and are serving.

I am especially remembering my husband, 2 brothers, 2 BILs and my cousin.

There's so many more I could name-which makes me oh so proud-but I'll stop with those to make this post short, sweet and to the point...

HAPPY VETERAN'S DAY!

"We often take for granted the very things that most deserve our gratitude." -Cynthia Ozick

This past weekend into this week...

I haven't posted, although I have wanted to.

The reason why I haven't?

Well...let's just say the end of last week and the beginning of this week have been filled with:

-LOTS of Facebook preggo announcements..
-Some friends saying, "So, when are y'all going to have kids?"
-Family members asking, "So, when are y'all going to have kids?"
-Talking with family and in-laws and friends as they discuss when when they "plan" on having their (2nd,3rd,4th) next little one.
-Getting discouraged because they can "plan" and we cannot.
-Having emotional days feeling far from God.
-Questioning where we should go next in this journey...still feeling like we need to pursue an actual fertility specialist (Austin? Omaha?)...
-Having a few not so fun family arguments in the midst of feeling down but having to "suck it up" because I'm still pretending to be ok.
-Realizing that we are closely coming up on 4 years of trying (with doctors) to conceive...

So, needless to say, if I would have blogged from last week and every day til now it would have been a lot of downer posts and well instead of that...I took the time to step back (well, sortakindaIdidjustmentionalotofwhatwasbringingmedown...cutmesomeslack,thisisstillmy blog,right?!) and pray about it and try and listen to what God was telling me.

And here's what I got so far...

-Give up FB if it gives you that much heart ache.
-If I'm not comfortable with opening up to family or friends about our trials and sufferings to having children...well, then just say, "we are trying..." and move on.
-Smile and say a prayer that when they actually do plan on "trying" that they don't have to suffer from any cross of IF because it hurts so very badly.
-Say the simple prayer of, "God I feel so far from you...please help me to draw closer to you."
-Leaning towards Austin because 1)It's closer to us and 2)We have family down there and 3)I know a pretty awesome blogger who would help me out!
-Realizing that sometimes I am deep into my "IF funk" and most things hurt more than others because well, I'm "deep into my IF funk"...which means, offering it up and realizing that there are simply some times where I am a little more fragile.
-Thanking God that I did not/do not know how long it will take for our family to grow. And knowing that I am BEYOND blessed to have the amazing man by my side supporting, encouraging and loving me during this crazy roller coaster ride...

So, tonight I am offering up all of the pain I have felt the past few days AND all the joy and laughter too...

A hairy situation

Ok, so not really a "hairy situation" or whatever that phrase is suppose to mean...I just thought it was a clever title for this post-because I'm talking about my hair.

Lame?

Oh well...I tried! ;)

Anyways, I am so bored with my hair. It's just long and light blonde- thank you Garni.er Nutr.isse for helping me keep it a prettier blonde than "dishwasher blonde" or "ash blonde" as different hair stylist have said about my natural "blah" color.

I was thinking I could either put some low lights in, with the help of professionals, since it's getting colder and whatnot.

Or maybe just add layers?

But I can't add too many layers because my hair is pretty straight and slick and if I don't do it then you can tell there's layers.

I would love to add some sort of red but I don't think that would work because I blush quite easily, like when someone calls me out for something, or I am laughing, or I am crying, or I am breathing...and well, would the red just accentuate that blushing even more?! Probably so.

And no more bangs. I tried that last January and regretted them almost immediately. Like I said, I have straight, smooth hair and so the bangs just fell in my face and wouldn't stay to the side.

So, what do y'all think I should do? I am just getting bored with it and I am debating cutting it off...like shoulder length or so but then I remember this (taken from pin.terest):


...which has been EXACTLY how I have thought every.single.time I have chopped off my long locks.

So maybe not chop it off?

Or maybe yes?

Hmm...

Anyways, here's what my hair looks like now:


(I just noticed the pink sweater, pink blow dryer, pink brush?! Wow, I really am a 13 year old...) ;)

I am most definitely open to suggestions!

Also, this is random...but still in line with the whole "hair" topic...a couple weeks ago I was at Ro.ss and I found some sponge rollers (hello elementary school!!) and bought them and slept in them. This was the before and after:


I wasn't going anywhere special with those curls... I was just curious as to what they would look like now...so many years past those elementary days of white keds, colorful socks rolled down, big fluffy bangs, holiday earrings, scrunchies, etc...

:)

I had it in a pony tail before I was even dressed for the day! Not so sure how I feel about those crazy curls!

Anyways, this is a completely random post but I'm hoping for some advice on my hair...and y'all give out pretty good advice so I thought I would start with y'all! ;)

"When I was little, I would put my face close to the fan to hear my robot voice" (Taken from (total shocker here) Pin.terest)

Taking hope whenever I can.

Tonight, at Mass, I had the honor of holding my sweet little nephew.

He's 5.

He literally fell asleep standing up.

I was impressed! ;)

Since I couldn't stand and hold him for too long, I sat during the second part of Mass.

And my heart swelled with love for this little man.

Then my heart starting feeling extremely hopeful that one day, I would be doing this with one of my own.

And well, that hope that I felt swelling my my heart/soul/being...well, I will take that hope whenever/wherever I can get it.

I cling to that hope.

I am grateful for that hope.

(Found on pi.nterest)

Broken down/lifted up all in one night.

I don't know what it is but this week, I have been on pins and needles and everything seems to make me cry: commercials, songs, people, quotes, happy stuff, sad stuff, scary stuff, the potential of the Rangers winning the World Series for the first time ever, getting hugs, etc...

I'm not PMSing so I'm a bit confused.

Thankfully it's not just sad tears, mostly it's tears of joy or tears or hope or tears of happiness.

I'm a pretty passionate/sensitive person to begin with but this is a little bit much, even for me.

Well, one night this week my husband and I just talking about random non-IF related stuff and laughing and enjoying just hanging out at home with one another.

Then, slowly it started turning into IF related stuff and I just broke down and said, "sometimes I feel like I have to hold back my fears, sadness and hurt from you because you seem so sure and so confident and I don't want to bring you down!"

Of course after this statement was made I broke down into a million tears...out of nowhere.

My poor dh.

He's so amazing.

I went on to tell him that I love his support and confidence but that sometimes, just sometimes it would be nice to hear that he was indeed hurting over this also.

It was a loooong conversation with lots of tears and laughter and understanding.

We are both on the same page.

In the same boat.

I ended our conversation by saying, "I just need you. You are amazing and I need you always to be there. I need your strength to help me when I am feeling scared and not so strong. I just need you."

He hugged and kissed me and we wiped our tears and headed to bed.

Then while we were in bed...seemingly ready to fall asleep after such an emotional ride, he leans over and says that he wanted me to listen to a song, a song that made him think of us. He said he wanted to play it because it expressed just how he feels, even though there are times he has trouble expressing it in words.

So, he played the song.

And I cried.

Shocking! ;)

But the song was so beautiful and such a wonderful reminder that he and I, no matter how we handled the stress and hardship, were in this boat together and that we needed one another.

I need him.

He needs me.

Man oh man am I blessed to have such an incredible, amazing, wonderful blessing...

He's the best.

Here's the lyrics to the song by the way:

Griggs Andy
"She Thinks She Needs Me"

She thinks I walk on water
She thinks I hung the moon
She tells me every morning,
"They just don’t make men like you"

She thinks I’ve got it together
She swears I’m as tough as nails
But I don’t have the heart to tell her
She don’t know me that well

She don’t know how much I need her
She don’t know I’d fall apart
Without her kiss, without her touch
Without her faithful, loving arms
She don’t know that it’s all about her
She don’t know I can’t live without her
She’s my world, she’s my everything
And she thinks she needs me

Sometimes she cries on my shoulder
When she’s lying next to me
But she don’t know that when I hold her
That she’s really holding me, holding me

She don’t know how much I need her
She don’t know I’d fall apart
Without her kiss, without her touch
Without her faithful, loving arms
She don’t know that it’s all about her
She don’t know I can’t live without her
She’s my world, she’s my everything
And she thinks she needs me

Yeah, and the funny thing is
She thinks she’s the lucky one

She don’t know how much I need her
She don’t know I’d fall apart
Without her kiss, without her touch
Without her faithful, loving arms
She don’t know that it’s all about her
She don’t know I can’t live without her
She’s my world, she’s my everything
And she thinks she needs me

Pumpkin carving fun

Tonight marked the 3rd annual pumpkin carving fun with my brothers and their others.

This year, like the year before last, was with just my younger brother and SIL since we live minutes from one another.

And even though it was technically day 2 of my "get healthy" regiment...I maybe had one too many cookies my SIL brought over...and possibly had some delicious fall beer (yum-o Shin.er Oktobe.rfest!) but I did walk a couple miles today and well...all in all...

it was a great night!

Here's me and my Dh's pumpkin-anyone know what it means?! ;) If so, you ROCK! :)


I heart good times that consist of: sitting on the back porch with the twinkle white lights on, the old country music playing, the fall weather slowly creeping in, the friends that are actually your amazing family, the yummy seasonal beer flowing, the traditions continuing and the good times happening...

"Let what you love be what you do."

Day one of get healthy.

Yes, today is day one, of my little "get healthy" thing. I have tried many times and failed.

In fact, a couple months ago when I was biking and doing P90X, I thought surely I would continue on and stay on a healthy path because I knew just how important it was for not only my whole self, but for my fertility as well.

But then, I stopped P90x (shocking, I know) and stopped biking and started back up with sodas, energy drinks, coffee, junk food etc.

Whatever sort of benefits I gained from that working out disappeared quickly.

I did attempt to run at one point a couple months ago, but then a dog tried to eat me and it scared me into not wanting to go out again. Okay, maybe he didn't try to eat me, but he did run up to me and bark and growl and scare the heebie jeebies out of me!

So yeah, working out was put on the back burner and I didn't care.

The thing is though, I am not just trying to get healthy physically, no, I am trying to get healthy physically AND spiritually AND mentally.

The spiritual aspect is off and on. I will say, that during prayer buddies this past time I was praying my rosary nearly every single day, and it felt amazing. I had never accomplished this before and was proud.

But then prayer buddies ended, and so did my rosary praying, a lot like my working out had disappeared also.

That was until yesterday.

I was feeling in a sort of a funk and realized it was because 1)I felt fluffy 2) I wasn't feeling confident 3) I felt like my prayer life was lacking 4) I knew I was being lazy.

My husband and I went on a 3+mile walk yesterday after lunch.

And it felt great.

Then, before bedtime, we prayed the rosary together.

And that felt great.

Then, we did something we haven't done in years.

He read his book and I read my book in bed...no tv last night.

And that felt great.

So, yes...I'm working on getting healthier because I know that I NEED to be healthier. My emotions and confidence have been going SOO HIGH and then SOO LOW lately that I knew that I needed to change.

And so I am.

Here goes to being physically healthier, spiritually healthier and mentally healthier!

Now...time to go stretch because my whole "walk a mile run a mile" thing I just did is making my legs feel like I ran 5 miles! ;)

"Believe you can and your halfway there."

Top three chores I dont like

1) Laundry
2) Mopping
3) showers or bathtubs...I'd rather clean a toilet!
And even though I only asked for three...my last one doesn't really count because I never really clean them, but it's still a contender! ;)
-Cleaning the fans

What about you?

Ps. GOOOOOO RANGERS!!

CD1: But feeling closer to God than ever

This cycle has been SO wonky and unpredictable. First off, my alleged ovulation occurred about a week after it should have ideally (ha, whatever that means) and then I had the loooongest cycle I have had in longer than I can remember, 38 days.

I woke up this morning, rather early, for a restroom trip and realized that I had started. My usual feeling/emotion/reaction is sadness, my soul feeling crushed, my body feeling defeated yet again. I usually fall instantly into a deep shadow of sadness and bitterness.

But today, I was thankful that my period was there and on it's own. I was thankful that my husband and I were able to "start over" and try again with this brand new cycle. I was thankful for my husband and his support.

These feelings are not what I normally feel and as I went to crawl back into bed all I could think about was how close I felt to God at that very moment. How even though I had completed the Saint Gerard Novena without a pregnancy occurring or that even though I pray every day for the intercessory prayers from Blessed John Paul, our former amazing beautiful Pope, and still have yet to experience a BFP, I felt their prayers.

And then, still feeling rather half out of it from the sleep, thoughts of my Grandpa came rushing over me. I felt a sense of peace and comfort from him. I thanked God at that very moment for him, because I know he's in heaven and he is praying for each of the family members. And I especially felt his prayers today, this CD1, oddly enough.

AND then...a flood of tears came rushing through my half opened eyes and foggy mind.

Today, is the 2 year anniversary of my grandpa's death. It was one of the hardest things I have ever experienced in my life. I've mentioned it before but I'll say it again, he wasn't just my Gp, he was the man that raised my brothers and I, because his own son decided not to be a parent when we were very young. It was like losing a Gp and a father that day. I will never forget the emotions and the daze that followed that horrible day. There are some days that it feels like it could have never happened and that we'll see him soon and then again there are days that feel like it has just dragged by.

Of all days for this CD1 to fall on, really late in my cycle, after novenas and prayers...it falls on this anniversary and I couldn't feel like it was meant to happen that way. I feel so much strength, courage, peace, hope and happiness-something rarely (if ever) felt on the first day of my cycle.

I know that my Gp is up there praying for us and interceding for us and that brings me so much joy.

The feeling that I am feeling in regards to my Gp, the saints and those passed is overwhelming and such a beautiful reminder that the power of prayer is real and is there.

I should be falling apart and feeling depressed at this moment-the moment where I am still reading those pregnancy announcements, that extra room is not a nursery, where my cramps are screaming to me, "NOT pregnant again!" and another cycle has come and gone without our miracle occurring...but instead I am JOYFUL, HOPEFUL and TRUSTING in our Lord.

Timing is everything you guys, and today is another example of that.

I'm so thankful for all the prayers!!

Prayer is POWERFUL.

Speaking of prayers...I wanted to add that we have another person joining us on The Island. I've mentioned her once or so before and she is an amazing and faithful woman. She is married to my baby brother (I'm lucky to call her sister!) and they have been struggling to conceive for awhile now. I have encouraged her to join this amazing community of bloggers because I just know that the power of prayer has a lot to do with 1)the number of those that have been able to leave this crummy IF island and 2)the strength in the waiting for those still on this island. It's a bittersweet feeling that she is joining this community but I just know that good things will come from this for her! So, if y'all wouldn't mind...please go and give One Joyful Day the warm welcome she deserves! You ladies are great!

Prayer is powerful!

It really is, I mean I'm actually smiling and hopeful on this CD1.

And it most certainly has nothing to do with me being that strong of a woman-nope, it has to do with some pretty amazing people praying for me.

"Perhaps they are not stars, but rather openings in heaven where the love of our lost ones pours through and shines down upon us to let us know they are happy." (Eskimo Proverb quotes)

Hot flashes, long cycles, the game plan and a thanks.

I don't know what it is but it seems that during the second half of my cycle I get hot flashes on and off. It's almost as if I'm taking clomid again even though I am not. Anybody have any clues as to what the heck this may mean?! I was going to goo.gle but when I went to search I freaked out because I was worried something else may be wrong and I just wasn't so sure I could take it. So, any idea ladies?!

Now not only am I worrying about these hot flashes I am also worrying about loooong cycles. Before my wedge resection surgery last July, my periods were all over the place...sometimes they wouldn't come for months-just another joy of PCOS. Well, thankfully immediately following the surgery my periods were normal...28-30 days...so very predictable. I have noticed in the last couple months they have gone as long as 32 days even. Well, this month I am at CD37 and freaking out because I don't want my body reverting back to pre-surgery crumminess. Does this happen? Does the surgery lose effect after so long? I did test a couple days ago, thinking this would bring on CD1 because that's what usually happens, but no just got a BFN and here I am still waiting. I will say, I did jot down on my phone that I was still seeing some ok mucus on the 3rd, so it's possible that I'm (allegedly-grr PCOS) ovulating later than normal...which would mean I'm right on track to start any day. I just want my period to start already because freaking out that my body is just reverting back to it's old ways...

And seeing as this freaks me out, my dh and I have decided to start back with the doctor's visits and with being a bit more aggressive with this TCC. We are coming up on 4 years and I really want to be doing something proactive before that time rolls around. My first thing, I'm going to call up the local NAPRO doctor in our area and schedule an appointment. I need my regular woman's checkup and also am hoping he knows something about fertility stuff. Either way, I just want to meet with him because we are going to start charting back up SO THAT we can hopefully start working with Doctor H in Omaha. I haven't even "gotten on the waiting list" or whatever it is...I just remember lots of you guys mentioning that I need to three months of charting first and that there's a long wait, so that's why I'm going to start charting now. So yeah, that's our game plan. I feel good about starting (again) and hopes that maybe this time I'll be seeing more than just BFNs.

Okay- and lastly, I just had to say thank you for all of the sweet comments for my last post. It was the craziest thing, I was messing on FB and saw 3 more preggo announcements and my heart just felt so alone. That's what prompted the post because I knew that even though, at that very moment I felt alone, I was not. I am so thankful for each and everyone of y'all and love the new people coming out and commenting. Thank yall!!

So, in a nutshell:
-Why these hot flashes?
-Why this long cycle?
-Charting and Dr. H advice
-THANK YOU!

Hope you all have had a great weekend and an even better week!!

"Just because today is a terrible day doesn't mean tomorrow won't be the best day of your life. You just have to get there."(Found on my addiction-Pinterest)

I am not the only woman.

I am not the only woman who feels in her heart of hearts that she is called to be a mommy even though she cannot choose when that moment may be.

I am not the only one whose heart melts with excitement seeing her husband holding a baby and at the same time it breaks because she never imagined the wait and not knowing would hurt this badly.

I am not the only woman who counts every.single.day of her cycle even though she prays of the day that she "suddenly" realizes she is late and pregnant.

I am not the only woman whose chest feels like a massive weight is placed upon it when she reads another pregnancy announcement on facebook...or from a family member...or from a friend...or from anyone really.

I am not the only woman who has to fake it when someone asks "how are you?" or "when are y'all going to have children?"

I am not the only woman whose soul feels crushed when another CD1 rolls around and you have to tell your sweet, supportive husband, "not this month."

I am not the only woman who has had to take medications that give her hot flashes like a menopausal woman, or who has had to take shots and pills to hopefully make things "normal."

I am not the only woman who has had to have a surgery exploring her lady parts and then having to spend weeks recovering.

I am not the only woman who looks at that extra bedroom dubbed, "the one day nursery" and has to try everything in her power to hold back tears because it is not yet the nursery.

I am not the only woman who, upon hearing a pregnancy announcement goes, "were they trying? how long? were they not trying? how old are they? how long have they been married?"

No, I am not the only person who feels she is not living what she knows she is and has been called to be...a mother.

But some days, I certainly feel like it...

Praying for strength in the waiting.

Hair twiddler and not thinking about what cycle day I am on...

Twiddling my hair.
I have done this since I was a little girl.

I do it when I am calm.
I do it while driving.
While talking to friends.
And especially when I'm nervous.

Normally, I don't even realize that I am doing it-that is unless someone points it out. But tonight, during the Rangers' game (oh my goodness...11 innings, Napoli scoring and then Cruz hitting another homer!!!!), well, during a commercial break, I went to use the restroom and laughed at the sight that I saw when I looked in the mirror. My somewhat perfectly placed bun-that had started on the top of my head, looked like this:



Lol-I'm such a mess!! I guess that long string of hair sticking down is what I managed to work out of my bun so that I could twiddle my hair. ;)

Other than the Ranger's leaving me sitting on the edge of my seat during these games, I've been trying to not think about what cycle day I am on. And really, I've been doing a good job and haven't thought about it too much until today. I guess since we're taking a break from docs and meds, the hope isn't as loud as if I were being monitored with sonograms and taking meds to help. But still...today, while not thinking about what cycle day I was on I realized that CD1 should be here any moment. And most of us all know that feeling, right before CD1 appears...the moment where even though it's never gone the other way before...here you are and thinking it could possibly go either way because well...we are always OPEN to trying.

Yeah, so this is me not thinking about what CD I am on. Geez, I just wish my period would happen without me realizing that this is when it is suppose to come.

"Keep on going, and the chances are that you will stumble on something, perhaps when you are least expecting it. I never heard of anyone ever stumbling on something sitting down." (Charles F. Kettering)

My biggest blessing

Yesterday, we had a joint birthday party for my dh and I at his parents' house. It was awesome having both my family and his family there. We both left feeling very, very blessed.

The quote of the day was when my MIL was talking about how wonderful my dh is and how God put him and I together and well...my nephew goes:

"What if Aunt FMTP never married Uncle Awesome?!" WHAT if she married Dion Sanders?!?!"

We all just laughed! :)

Anyways, today is my DH's actual birthday and he is truly my biggest blessing. I thank God everyday for him and his love and devotion.

So blessed.

I'm going out with my boots on

Heading to the Tay.lor Swift concert at Cowboy's stadium tonight with my MIL, two of my SILs and my sweet niece...



But not without keeping close tabs on THE RANGERS! Yes, I did paint my nails with this on it:


GO RANGERS!!!!!!!

Picture post: Fall addition

I love Fall so much.
The cooler weather.
The changing of the leaves.
The anticipation of the holidays.

So, in preparation for this new fall weather (ie: NOT 100 degrees out), I finally decorated around the house. I will say, after I decorated around the house the other day, it was still a bit warmer than I would have liked so I pumped the ac down to about 70 and lit my fall candles and snuggled under a blanket as I pretended it was chilly out.

Here's some of the decorations around our home:
I revamped this little section of our bar by adding fall ribbon to the lamp and some other little fall decorations (umm...how many times can I say, "fall" in this post?!):

Here's our mantel:

I love this a lot. I finally was able to use some of those thrift store mason jars that I have been collecting. I replaced the three big pillar candles that normally sit on our coffee table with these:

Somehow, our front door wreath managed to not get damaged while it was packed away...I made this last year:

And here I replaced my "summer" decorations on my homemade coffee filter wreath with some fall stuff I used last year:

And although this has nothing to do with fall and more to do with my love of thrifting and revamping things on a bargain, here's a .99 cent sheet I found at the good ol' thrift store and put up as curtains to replace the old dark ones we had in the living room:



And the final photo...the random one of the bunch, because it wouldn't be a real picture post without at least one random photo! ;) Here's what happens if you get a spray tan but don't pull down the little booties you are suppose to wear:


The end and goodnight! :)

"Delicious autumn! My very soul is wedded to it, and if I were a bird I would fly about the earth seeking the successive autumns." (George Eliot)

I'm alive...

I've just been busy!

Best birthday weekend and then day and now week! :) My husband has been amazing! I plan on doing a picture post of all the festivities soon.

Also, although I have already emailed her...I wanted to mention to the world (the blogging world that is!) that I had the privilege of praying for Jeremiah...and for the second time! I told her that God must really want me to keep her and her beautiful family in my prayers!

The amazing thing about prayer buddies this time was that I had a strong calling to pray my rosary for Jeremiah and all her intentions. The thing that was different for me was that I do not pray the rosary but once a week but here I was feeling a strong calling to pray the rosary every.single.day. So, not only did I have the honor of praying for her, she also helped me with my prayer life! I did miss a few days, but that's it...I am hoping to keep praying my rosary as much as possible because I really feel like it helped to keep me anchored. So, Jeremiah...thank you! You helped me without even knowing it.

I also wanted to say a big THANK YOU to HE adopted me first for praying for me! Thank you!! I am still in awe that someone who has never met me before is willing to offer up prayers for me. So beautiful. AND, I received my bracelets in the mail today...you are too sweet, thank you!!!

Anyways, this post is going to have to end with this because I'm in the middle of making 50+ invites for my in-laws 40th anniversary celebration, and a list of other things...

I've felt so beyond blessed lately, even in the midst of all the busyness, and am so grateful for each and every blessing in my life...no matter how big or how small.

"Enjoy this moment. For this moment is your life."

Yeah, I bought this...

Here was my thinking in the store:
"I so cannot buy this pink mace...I'm not a 13 year old girl...but pink just makes me happy and if it's going to make me happy when I start my running up again, the why not? I can't buy this, I need to be practical and just buy the army green kind like an adult would do...but then again, it is the same price...well, actually holding it in my hand the pink will actually blend in more, so really, it's the logical choice."

When I got home my husband just laughed at me and said, "you would." ;)

I bought it because I've been wanting to start running again and thankfully the weather is slowly getting cooler. I say this, although it does call for a 98 as the high on Friday...but whatever.

My dh and I attempted P90.X for a couple weeks but unfortunately got burnt out on that and although I was biking, the heat was just too much.

So in comes the running. I want to start back again because 1)It'll make me healthier 2)I'll lose some of the fluff around my midsection 3) I know losing weight will help increase fertility-at least that's what the doctors say and 4)It just makes me feel better.

I would have started running last week but for some crazy reason, I've been thinking of all that bad (people or crazy dogs) that could get me...even though I would never run at night. It's weird, the older I get the more I am paranoid (sorta kinda) and it's not that much fun.

Part of it could be the since my husband is a police officer is the not so great part of town, I hear some crazy stories.

Yeah, that probably plays into my dramatic crazy thoughts...

Anyways, the cooler weather is calling for me to get off my tush and run so I bought the mace to help me relax a bit.

Speaking of cooler weather, it's still in the 90+ here, but I am so ready for Fall. In fact I still have an awesome scent fall candle burning and today I had my husband pull down the fall decorations from the attic. Tomorrow, with cooler weather or not, I'm transforming our home into a Fall oasis! ;)

Anyways, I can't believe that I've devoted an entire post to weather, mace and running...boring. Moving on...

"Let us run with perseverance the race that is set before us." (Hebrews 12:1)

Finally.

I'm seriously amazed that I am just now-CD15, feeling fine.

I mean, like no more anxiety.
No more feeling left out.
No more feeling that lack of hope.
No more feeling overwhelmed.
No more feeling like I have that heavy heart that has been following me since CD1.

Phew.
It feels so good.

Feelings of blessed, hopeful, happy and trusting have creeped back into my soul and I'm grateful for that.

This weekend was a busy one...lots of family fun mixed with some Ranger fun (they clinched AL west title!).

Being with family and friends throughout this weekend-especially when my husband was working-has probably played into why my soul and heart have mended.

I got a lot of snuggles with my sweet nephew because my brother and SIL came up to visit for the weekend. AWESOME surprise I found out about on Thursday.

You see, with them in town it means that my Gm's house was busting with people-cousins, brothers, aunts, little man...good times.

Then we had a birthday celebration for my dh's side of the family-one niece, a SIL and BIL.

We have had so many birthday parties in September and now coming up on October. We like to say that parents really had a good time around Christmas and New Year's. ;)

Here's hoping that my DH and I can have a really good time this holiday season! ;)

Yeah, that hope is still there like I mentioned above.

I'm so glad it's back.

I will say, that I started the St. Therese novena, along with many other bloggers, and seeing as I have a special connection (I chose her as my confirmation sponsor, her feast day is the day before my birthday, she's helped me in many situations) with St. Therese, it's not that surprising that since starting the novena I have felt so much better. (Thank you JBTC for mentioning this particular novena-it's beautiful!)

I also wanted to say thank you so much for the comments last post. Part of me was nervous to share because well, that's not something a lot of people know about (just the near and dear ones). BUT, I realized it really does play a big part in why I am who I am and why I want what I want and so I am glad that I shared. So, thank you for the feedback!

And now, ending on something completely random (because why not) I laughed out loud when I was typing in the Yah.oo search bar, "how to insert a link..." into blogger and well, the things that Yah.oo predicted I was trying to search for were the following:


Happy Monday y'all!

"Hope is the soul of the dreamer
And heaven is the home of my God
It only takes on true believer
To believe you can still beat the odds..." (Lady Antebellum, "Heart of the World")

My (not so much of a mom at all) mom.

I realized that I have never spoken about my mother. I've spoken about my desire to be a mother but never about my actual mom. I really think that my strong desire to be a mother not only lies in the fact that I feel in my heart of hearts that this is the vocation I'm called to be, but also because well...she wasn't such a great one and so I have quite a strong desire to be (hopefully) a great one.

My mom wasn't the average mom. Well, she wasn't a mom at all really...

She made me sleep in the bathroom because I would wet the bed when I was younger.
I never knew what it was liked to be hugged or kissed on from my mom.
She liked to hit and say some not so great things.
She preferred drugs over me and my two brothers.
She liked to have boyfriends, outside of her husband (my father).
She didn't care if her three young children were in compromising situations with these so called boyfriends.
She liked to lie.
She didn't care if we saw fights occur between her and whomever she was upset with.
Basically...she just wasn't the best of persons.

The only somewhat decent memory I have of her is that she curled my hair for my aunt's wedding, in which I had the honor of being the flower girl. But that's basically it.

You see, my father came from an amazing background and family (the family that ended up raising my brothers and I) but for some reason he fell head over heels in love with my mother, who was from a not as great background, and got married.

Shortly after they were married, she had my brother. And then when my brother was 5 months old, she got pregnant with me. Then when I was only 6 months old, she got pregnant with my little brother. Then she tied her tubes.

She was really good at having babies. Just not so great at being a mother to those babies.

That's one thing that hurts me sometimes...looking at my mother and all that she didn't do for us or give us and I see that I didn't even get her fertility. Sure, I know she wasn't responsible for giving that part of her...but still...it's just another thing.

She did give me life, though, and for that I will be forever grateful towards her. I would say that's it but she and my father (who is another story for another blog post-a few more pleasant memories there) did ultimately decide to send us to live with my grandparents (his parents) and that's the other thing that I'm thankful for.

Life and life with my grandparents...two things she did right. I can only imagine where my life would be right now had I (and my brothers) stayed with my parents...

I wouldn't have my faith and trust in the Lord.
I wouldn't have this amazing man by side.
I wouldn't know what it's like to love and be loved.

Looking back, I still hurt over so much of the stuff that I experienced in my early part of life, but know that I am who I am because of everything that has occurred in my life.

My mother, through her lack of being a mom, taught me what kind of mom I want to be. The desire has been there since I was a young child-just ask my grandma and anyone who has known me.

I can't wait to be a mother and love and smother my little ones with kisses and hugs and love out the wazoo. My husband and I joke that when this little one(s) is finally here they will probably get annoyed at all the love! ;)

Moms are very important people and unfortunately my mother wasn't such a great one but one day, I look forward to being the best mom I can be.

The mom I feel I am called to be...

“To overcome difficulties is to experience the full delight of existence.” (Arthur Schopenhauer)

It helps

As I mentioned in my last post, I'm doing a lot better.

However, there are still times where I feel like I'm still healing from yet another CD1.

So, a little something that helps when I'm feeling down (aside from crafting or one on one time with my dh) is this:

Delicious red wine and a fall scented candle (even though it's still getting up to 90+ here)...


The end. :)

The anniversary of freaking life

I wasn't quite in the mood to write today-but then I realized that I still had the not so happy post still up at the top and I don't like that much.

So, I'm writing.

Things are getting better. I'm starting to feel better although there have been a few moments where I was just sad, BUT...thankfully, they aren't really happening that often!

Phew.

Thank goodness...I don't like being down.

I just wanted to say thank you so much for the prayers-I can say that I truly know that they work because 1)I'm feeling better and 2)prayers a powerful thing!

I'll end by explaining my title for this post (sorry for the randomness-like I said, I wanted to get rid of the downer post at the top and well...this is what happen when I go blindly into posting!). You see, I was visiting my Gm earlier tonight with my dh and I was telling her about upcoming plans.

I told her we were going to hear Dave Ramsey speak on October 1 (he's awesome..teaches people how to get out of debt using a snow ball effect, and he's Christian and well, just awesome) because my BIL bought us tickets. I then told her that he mentioned that since the 2nd is my birthday (wahoo, I LOVE birthdays!!) that we should probably go out and celebrate on the 30th of September because well, after going to the seminar we aren't going to want to spend money...

My Gm then laughed and told me that I was crazy to get excited about birthdays and then mentioned something about not celebrating that much or something about every 5 years or so.

I told her, "Umm...birthdays are the anniversary of freaking life!" Not, my quote, but a quote stolen from Kelle Hampton and I couldn't agree more. :)

So, if you are wondering what I am looking forward to, it's that in 2 weeks from yesterday, it will be my birthday. And even though there are times I look and think about where I thought I would be by now...I'm grateful for all that I do have and I am not going to let some "what could have would have should have beens" ruin my birthday.

I'm truly a blessed woman-even in the middle of the not so great days.

"Birthdays...celebrate them. Plain and simple. Whether you are 2 or 42. It's not a promotion. It's not a graduation. It's the anniversary of freaking life!" (Kelle Hampton-Enjoying the Small Things).

Heavy heart

I don't even know why I've been feeling so blue because honestly this past month I was at such peace and felt so much hope (maybe not ever for that cycle necessarily, but in general) and was just plain happy relaxing and enjoying every single moment of me and my dh's "off month."

Then this cycle hit and my hormones have just gotten the best of me this week. I have had too many melt downs-wet tears, broken heart, sad soul.

A heavy heart.

There have been so many amazing blogger pregnancy announcements and I am beyond thrilled for these wonderful women!!
I have kept each one in my prayers that things go well and smoothly. I can't even begin to imagine what kind of anxiety it can bring on but I'm going to keep praying for them!

Those announcements actually help to peace back my broken heart.

But then, like I mentioned before-CD1 came with 3 other preggo announcements from people that don't have to try. And it was their second one.

And you see, that seemed to shatter everything again. It's so odd to me that any other day of my cycle I am pretty good and can handle it and even possibly be excited for them-but it always seems to coincide with wacky hormones and PMS.

I actually got another announcement the other day-a dear friend who her and and her husband were "going off birth control and going to have a baby!" And of course, a few short months later I get this text:

Me and the hubs are having a baby due in April. It was hard for me to tell you because I know that y'all want a baby and have been trying so hard.

I, already feeling emotionally, broken saw that text and all i could think of was, "thank God that this is a text and she didn't call me" because I never could have faked excitement like I did in my text back to her:

Oh my goodness...that is so wonderful!!! I'm so happy for you guys!

Boo for the timing of this text. Yay for it being a text.

I am hoping and praying that I get out of this funk soon. I'm ready to not be in tears anymore.

I'm ready for this rock weighing on my chest, that I call anxiety, to be lifted.

I'm ready to smile and laugh and mean it and not just doing it because I don't want my husband to see me sad for yet another day.

I am stronger than I think-I think.

I don't give up and sometimes that's all that I can do...through the pain and uneasiness, I don't give up and that's got to count for something, right?

I sure hope so.

I have my "don't let comparison steal your joy" sign in my closet so every morning that I get dressed I see it and it does help. Comparison definitely is a sneaky little brat and loves to steal that joy. But I'm not going to let it...even if that means I have to remind myself this about 5 million times a day.

Praying that this funk blows over sooner than later...

Lastly, I wanted to say THANK YOU THANK YOU for all the prayers and kind words for my friend's who lost their baby. We will never know why God decided to take him when he did but my friend has said that prayers have helped her and her family find peace and strength throughout all of this. The power of prayer is truly amazing. Thank you so much for that.

"When life gets more than you can stand...kneel."

Please pray **Edited

A few posts back I mentioned that my dear friend and her husband had experienced a miracle-the healing of their baby in her womb.

Sadly, yesterday at a sonogram, they found out that the baby had passed away.

They are at the hospital now, being induced.

Please pray for them.

**I found out that their beautiful son was born at 12:07, Sept.14. His umbilical cord was wrapped around his neck.

From going to no hope with intestines outside of the body and all the cysts on this poor baby... to going to full hope with the miracle of not one thing wrong him...to now this...

My heart aches for this family. Please continue to pray.

Oh the timing...

How is it that CD1 (yesterday) happens when there are 3 new announcements, of former classmates of mine, stating that #2 is on the way?

Geez Louise.

And, because I'm still working on "not letting comparison steal my joy" I'm moving on from that and trying to forget all about it.

I will not let comparison steal my joy.
I will not.
No sirree.

Being hormonal shouldn't coincide with periods-it seems cruel to me that the two go hand in hand. Especially if it's mixed with the struggle to conceive.

I mean, this is the time of the month where I need to be my strongest. Where I hold on to hope and trust and faith. Not the time of month where I am susceptible to breaking down into a blubbering idiot at any given time.

Seriously, I mean yesterday we went to the ball game and as we were singing the National Anthem at the beginning of the game I started tearing up and had goosebumps all over.

I didn't really expect to cry at the ball game.

Thankfully my sunglasses hid the tears.

Prayer buddy, if you are reading this-would you mind offering up a prayer or two for me...specifically that I find strength during the start of another cycle?

Thanks in advanced.


Blessed JP, intercede for us.